The lady writers of Late Night (aka our favorite humans on tv) got out there last night to react to Harvey Weinstein’s apology. In case you live under an extremely peaceful rock, Weinstein is a famous asshole who sexually harassed and assaulted young women for like 40 years and got away with it. He’s garbage, basically. And Amber, Ally, Jenny have some words for Weinstein. FUNNY WORDS
Y’all, it’s starting to have that distinct ‘end of the world’ feeling out there. Natural disasters and political bullsh have us feeling like…
But at the end of the day, what unites us all and keeps us going is hilarious women making perfect internet jokes. So rest your weary heart with these insanely funny tweets.
When mom told me we were moving to the US I said to her “No mom, why that’s illegal.I’m 9 and I know the law. I’m stayin in Argentina alone”
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) September 6, 2017
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 6, 2017
BREAKING: my fucking sanity.
— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) September 6, 2017
“anyway, here’s wonderwall” pic.twitter.com/2lyzZ5FTW6
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) September 7, 2017
High school teachers: I’m MRS. HARDASS and you will take me SERIOUSLY
College profs: what up I’m Josh and class is cancelled cuz I’m tired
— Momma Becca (@HBecca2017) September 5, 2017
Excuse me, yes, hi, I noticed our politics differ, so I was hoping I could unleash all the cumulative rage in my life onto your web presence
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 6, 2017
MY SISTER TEACHES CELLO
SHE REPORTS THAT HER NEW STUDENTS CALL SHARPS “HASHTAGS”
CONCERTO IN F HASHTAG
— Marian Call (@mariancall) September 6, 2017
Can I donate my period?
— Shannon O’Neill (@spotastic) September 7, 2017
Teen on street: Hey, lesbian!
Me: *turns around* Yep?
Teen: Oh, sorry.
Me: Why? You’re right. Do you need something?
Teen: No, ma’am.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 6, 2017
This morning my doctor casually used the phrase “family planning” to me & my instinct was 2 be like LADY I’M 24 then remembered I’m 28. pic.twitter.com/v4AjpYeobL
— Nina Concepción (@ninamconcepcion) September 7, 2017
was i funnier five months ago or did my doctor just put me on too much adderall? a memoir
— Carina Hsieh (@carinahsieh) September 8, 2017
I wish I could charge Facebook $1 every time it made me sad
— Connieshin (@thatconnieshin) September 7, 2017
I just *invades country* don’t understand why *bombs them* the middle east *kills innocent people* is so *steals natural resources* unstable
— لمار Lam S. Al (@PapillonBelier) August 31, 2017
Me: I’ve had a tough day. Just go to sleep.
Me: *dozing off*
Brain: PETER PAN WAS TOTALLY A KIDNAPPER
— JC Tarp (@jctwritesstuff) September 7, 2017
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 7, 2017
If we raise men to be less aggressive and entitled who will staff mall kiosks
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) September 2, 2017
2017 has already been tumultuous as all hell, y’all. But if there’s anything to celebrate, it’s funny women doing what they do best. And plus, IT’S FRIDAY! So are we still gonna party?
no need to drop the ball tonight
2016’s done enough of that already
BA DUM TSSSSS
— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) December 31, 2016
Of all the burns on 2016, this is maybe the best one.
I want to be the one to look into Paul Ryan’s big blue eyes and tell him with absolute certainty “You will never be president.”
— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) January 6, 2017
Film it please.
Shout out to The Washington Post Express who accidentally put the MALE symbol for the WOMAN’S march on their cover today pic.twitter.com/xGS0XE8RTd
— Kimberly Betsill (@kimmybetsill) January 5, 2017
Kimberly is very funny but in this case, the original picture is the best joke of all.
I found my tenth grade English class journal, everyone pic.twitter.com/cFFqSfgLie
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) January 3, 2017
God Mara Wilson is such a gift to the world.
— Gabby Bess (@seemstween) January 6, 2017
Who knew there were so many horrible flavors of old white man?!
If you have to wait more than 20 minutes to pick up a prescription, they should hand out free samples of Xanax while you wait.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 6, 2017
Honestly every store should hand out free Xanax samples for the next four years.
End of 2016: this couldn’t get any worse
End of 2018: I’m excited to start my new position as Aryan Brood Mare! Nice sheets and xtra rations
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) January 6, 2017
Sometimes they let us read a book that isn’t the Bible!!!
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) January 3, 2017
Who’s this narrator and is she free this weekend?
beards are just…bananas. you just grow that hair out your face! so fast! that you have to shave it! almost daily?! amazing.
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) January 6, 2017
Me: Everyone is complaining about 2016. Luckily, I was too drunk to remember most of it.
AA: Ursula, we talked about appropriate topics.
— ?ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)? (@3sunzzz) December 31, 2016
Look if you made it through the year without a drinking problem, hats off to ya bb.
do you ever look at your cat and think “oh god you’re the cutest thing alive” and then it licks its anus while maintaining eye contact
— Scaachi (@Scaachi) January 4, 2017
If I go to the bathroom without checking my phone did I even go
— Logan Guntzelman (@adirtyguntz) January 5, 2017
And how will we find boyfriends without Tindering on the toilet?!?!
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and some days I still look at him wondering if he’s ever talked to a girl.
— Not My President (@missmayn) January 3, 2017
Awwwwwwww (ok nvm it’s rad to be single honestly).
Good morning being a woman is a nightmare pic.twitter.com/8HIkgUvzOT
— Paige Weldon (@paigeweldon) January 2, 2017
Oh wow still?!?!
Immigrant parents never say they’re proud of you. You gotta eavesdrop on family phone calls just to know they’re kinda okay about you.
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) January 4, 2017
‘Ok now take these tupperwares of food back with you to your filthy apartment’.
I would like to take this moment to announce that I, too, will not be paying for that fucken wall
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) January 6, 2017
Yeah let’s all go on record with this.
Only acceptable thing for Hillary to do at the inauguration is steal the mic and sing “Last Midnight” from Into The Woods
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) January 4, 2017
GOD PLEASE GIVE US THIS WE’VE EARNED IT
Let us introduce you to a very special lady. Nina Concepción is an actor, writer, improviser, author, comedian and all around badass babe. She wrote a hilarious book of essays, she’s a performer at the UCB Theatre in LA, and she co-created Schmotts, an amazing webseries that’s making the festival circuit. There’s nothing she can’t do, tbh. So who better to pick as our creator of the week! Pour out a glass of rosé for our heroine, and watch these sketches and clips like there’s no tomorrow. Yay Nina!
Or should we say the spookiest tweets of the whole creeeeaaaak????
No, no one should say that because it’s a very bad joke. But cut us some slack, we’re excited that Halloween is almost here!! While we wait on pins and needles (ouch!) let’s all share these magnificent tweets.
One cool thing about being a woman is that whenever I am doing any task, people assume I am struggling with that task
— Paige Weldon (@paigeweldon) October 21, 2016
Not sure how men think we survive the world?
moment of silence for the thousands of college women sitting in dorm rooms right now being forced to listen to some dude play “wonderwall”
— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) October 26, 2016
Raise a glass to our fallen comrades. May your bi-curious phase come quickly.
My body is ready for winter pic.twitter.com/LSJ7XIsWce
— Amy, but dead (@amy_wood) October 27, 2016
Can we get this picture as a tattoo?
More like Georgia O’Queef! Up top. pic.twitter.com/KfYZYiz6qB
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 25, 2016
No one high five her for this.
My supervillian origin story began when he didn’t text back.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) October 24, 2016
Cannot WAIT to see this Marvel adaptation on Netflix.
— Dolly Parton (@DollyParton) October 27, 2016
May Dolly bless and keep you in this, the holiday season.
I find “no DMs” in a bio to be awfully presumptuous.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) October 25, 2016
‘Scuse you, maybe we don’t want to slide into your business!
There is not a single accurate response for this search term. pic.twitter.com/XEtAcFnObq
— Meg Favreau (@megfavreau) October 25, 2016
As a child I was afraid of spiders, snakes and scary movies, now kids get to fear cool things like ISIS, gluten and their local congressman.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) October 26, 2016
Honestly kids are shockingly tough these days, shoutout to all the brave babies.
I love how Hillary is trying to abort this baby with her mind and is having trouble smiling cuz she’s jonesing to start a war! pic.twitter.com/ALn3yzE9Ci
— Jen Nasty Kirkwoman (@JenKirkman) October 27, 2016
CLASSIC CROOKED HILLARY.
Every white guy in Brooklyn looks like a fucking rock critic& every white woman looks like someone he’d fawningly refer to as a “songstress”
— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) October 25, 2016
Plz travel channel give Megan Koester a show.
My preferred birth control: pic.twitter.com/c3ayEfizVC
— Beth Alexandroff (@bethalexandroff) October 26, 2016
America’s two favorite pastimes in one!
when you wake up and see drunk texts to your ex pic.twitter.com/1rjIVuQOoL
— ? (@Sassafrantz) October 23, 2016
TERRIFYING HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEA: Chatty Uber driver
— Ali Spagnola (@alispagnola) October 26, 2016
AAAAAAH TOO SPOOKY NO THANKS
the best part in every movie is when the main girl realizes she’s a witch and walks down the school hallway in slow motion
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 25, 2016
Welp, looks like my dreams of becoming a teenage Vine star have been shot to shit. Thanks a lot, Obama.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) October 27, 2016
The ghost of Vine is gonna be the best costume of this Halloween season, mark our words.
James Corden is the Corden sibling with the hoity toity Hollywood career. But it turns out his sisters are just as naturally hilarious. The NFL is having some big London spirals-and-crumpets type of situation, and The Late Late Show sent Andrea and Ruth Corden into the fray. And also into the men’s locker room. They had us (and a bunch of big old linebackers) just peeing with laughter. Look out America, there are two new British cuties here to steal our hearts.