We all know her – the woman who seems to have it all. She’s effortless. She’s elegant. She’s rich from family money and has several prescriptions for drugs that are illegal in Europe. How DOES she do it?!?!? We’re frankly obsessed with this perfect sketch from Elizabeth McDonough and the New Yorker.
It’s the end of the week, and the good news is that if you had eye damage from the eclipse you would know it by now!
So put those healthy lil eyeballs to good use and enjoy this week’s most hilarious tweets. And don’t forget to follow these extremely funny ladies once you’re done.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
— Jenn Quinn (@JennnQuinn) August 20, 2017
“My daddy Pennsylvania,
momma from Pennsylvania,
You mix that Pennsyl with a Vania I am from Pennylvaniaaaa” pic.twitter.com/uJZ2K9fJX7
— Marcia Belsky (@MarciaBelsky) August 25, 2017
a woman had me double bag her tampons because the bag was see thru and her husband would be embarrassed..sweetie throw the whole husband out
— queen G (@ifthehoefits) August 21, 2017
Guy on the subway cornered me & wouldn’t let me go until my “fine ass” gave my number. So I edited his mom’s contact instead.
— Heather Antos (@HeatherAntos) August 24, 2017
“…and then he stared right at the eclipse.” pic.twitter.com/tVtMZLE9t0
— Sarah Lerner (@SarahLerner) August 21, 2017
i’ll rest my bitch face when I’m dead.
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) August 23, 2017
When a dude says I look better without makeup pic.twitter.com/0AciIuCDME
— Sam H. Escobar 👻 (@myhairisblue) August 23, 2017
Got kicked out of Anthropologie for asking if they carried any sizes for women who have eaten bread
— Allegra Ringo (@allegraringo) August 24, 2017
I marvel at the sheer power of Ivanka’s influence pic.twitter.com/aet7lnDjVB
— Molly (@isteintraum) August 21, 2017
I got a bunch of dental surgery and while waiting for a cab to go home a dude catcalled me so I just let a ton of blood fall out my mouth
— Best Bi™ (@UnburntWitch) August 24, 2017
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
a tiny cooler like for beer) i am never without it (it’s
my job to get it to the operating room)
— Molly Priddy (@mollypriddy) August 22, 2017
Me when I first joined twitter vs me now pic.twitter.com/LTGvGAyOIJ
— Kim (@plainhobnob) August 22, 2017
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
— madds (@whatmaddness) August 22, 2017
Welcome to your 30s. You have a favorite grocery store now.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 22, 2017
How to describe how much we love Lilly Singh? She’s the funniest, the badassiest, and now it turns out that she’s a top notch educator too. In this epic burn filled four minutes, Superwoman utterly destroys dumb internet racists with a simple lesson in geography.
We’re so lucky to live in a world with butter. It makes toast bearable, it lubes up ears of corn, it’s the secret ingredient behind croissants (croissants of course being proof that God loves us).
And now because of Maya & Marty, we know that butter tubs are the perfect accompaniment to the gorgeous voices of two of the funniest women ever to live, Maya Rudolph and Emma Stone.
Thank you, butter, for all that you do.