Happy 2018! Looks like this year is gonna be a whole new start, the year that we finally overcome sexism and racism and all the –
(pauses to take a look around)
Ok nevermind same old shit. The good news is, we have hilarious tweets from wonderful women to see us through! Read, laugh, love, hope nuclear war doesn’t kill us all.
Dudes: Don’t be so sensitive! Comedy is just words! They can say what they want! If u don’t like it, just ignore it!
Women: That joke was misogynist trash.
Dudes: HOW DARE U? STOP CENSORING COMEDIANS! YOUR WORDS ARE KILLING THEM! BE SILENT ABOUT THEIR WORDS OR COMEDY WILL DIE
— Ijeoma Oluo (@IjeomaOluo) January 3, 2018
2018 boyfriend standards:
1) cannot actively want me dead
2) kinda tall
— jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) January 4, 2018
Got a bunch of New Year’s resolutions I didn’t end up going with, if you want to buy the rights to one of them DM me pic.twitter.com/OKe5D9CNBe
— Michelle Spies It’s Not Pronounced How You Think (@spies_please) January 1, 2018
Millenials. Walking around like they rent the place.
— Spence (@SpenceDen) January 3, 2018
now is Logan Paul one boy’s name or the start of YouTube’s terror bro roll call
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) January 2, 2018
This is the cutest “nope” I have EVER seen. pic.twitter.com/jKETIdpElp
— Ruthanne Reid (@RuthanneReid) December 28, 2017
My goal weight is “buys unflattering pants on purpose.”
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) January 5, 2018
Can’t wait till weed is legal and Soccer Moms ruin it with pillows that say things like “it’s pot o’ clock” and “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my lound.”
— Nicole Russell ?? (@nicolerussell91) January 1, 2018
im prankin this guy as if im sending nudes but in reality…im literally typing “Attachment: 1 Image” pic.twitter.com/QrwS8SrEad
— pobre diabla (@saucynatt) January 3, 2018
The worst things in life are also free.
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) January 2, 2018
For best results, get Morgan Freeman to read the Fire and Fury audiobook and add airhorns
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) January 5, 2018
Life is not about the breaths u take but the number of times u gasp in shame remembering a faux pas u committed 7 years ago that surely only u remember but u convince yourself the other person remembers too and then it’s just sort of like, why bother getting out of bed today it’s
— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) January 3, 2018
Wait the winter storm is called “Grayson”? Does it have a middle name? Does it have a “IV” after the name? Does its dad work for Credit Suisse?
— Andi Zeisler (@andizeisler) January 4, 2018
How will the Bachelor ever choose which Blonde Ombre Woman to make his wIFE????? pic.twitter.com/JgmIFMbmIS
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) January 1, 2018
I named my son Jenga so he always remembers that even though I built him to be a strong boy, I could accidentally destroy him at any moment.
— SydSteinberg (@thesteinberglar) December 30, 2017
male poets be like:
in her vagina
she smelled like
cigarettes and cyanide
it’s a metaphor because
she’s my poison
she got away from me
to fuck a cigarette
by the ocean
I’m just as empty
as the sea
while I chainsmoke
and miss her bangs
and cigarette kisses
— future cat lady (@comradekaitlyn) January 3, 2018
?WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE / WHERE EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR NAME AND THEY’RE ALWAYS GLAD YOU CAME ?
— Julia Prescott (@juliaprescott) December 29, 2017
I’ll save you some time: in Downsizing — the movie where people are shrunk down to the size of a penis — no one puts a shrunken person in their hole or even talks about it
— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) January 4, 2018
being alone with your thoughts is lava!!! we have to jump from podcast to podcast to survive!!!
— emery lord (@emerylord) December 29, 2017