It’s fall IT’S FALL EVERYBODY FREAK OUT IT’S OFFICIALLY FALL!!!!
Ahem. Sorry. We’re just excited is all. So settle down with a warm apple cider and a crisp shot of vodka, and our crunchy and delicious tweets of the week.
“I just finished Netflix”-my grandma (????)
— Mia Serafino (@MiaSerafino) September 21, 2017
I don’t like you https://t.co/91TJ5xypV8
— lee (@ThickLeeyonce) September 19, 2017
interested in being reincarnated as a little mochi
— Lorde (@lorde) September 18, 2017
I just want a guy to need me as much as trump needs the edge of the bathroom counter to get off the toilet
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) September 21, 2017
Still would pic.twitter.com/PIjj4qfmyR
— Hannah Murphy (@dumb_hannah) September 18, 2017
Shout out to dudes who stop retweeting you once they realize you ain’t gonna fuck.
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) September 21, 2017
Fuck you, reality. I now refuse to believe you aren’t satire. pic.twitter.com/oqOT2TVoc1
— (((OhNoSheTwitnt))) (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 18, 2017
A fun response to the question “What have you been up to?” is “Still toiling.”
— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) September 18, 2017
when ur having a good day and suddenly remember a really horrible thing that happened to you 5 years ago pic.twitter.com/5ppsda9Ovf
— ??Lucy?? (@zerotwo64) September 20, 2017
Your juice cleanse is no longer the talk of the breakroom. Time to mix things up with some lunchtime hallucinations.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) September 18, 2017
this is the future libertarians want pic.twitter.com/NZoXgiNmc9
— diana thirst (@cocksailor) September 21, 2017
How do you murder someone without hurting their feelings?
— Baby Swayze (@buhsbaby_baby) September 18, 2017
Meetings at #CrazyExGirlfriend run smoother when it’s just the ladies. (A man took this pic, but let’s be honest, we could’ve used a timer.) pic.twitter.com/QIvMCprniP
— Crazy Ex-GF Writers (@crazyxgfwriters) September 21, 2017
When literally any other man interacts with me pic.twitter.com/auCm6svdKh
— Alana Massey (@AlanaMassey) September 18, 2017
Me at 9pm: I should go to bed early
Me at 3am: pic.twitter.com/TVW766fJRj
— Kasey D. (@_kxsxy) September 20, 2017
come to my free writer’s retreat. it’s in my basement. i’ll take ur phone, cut off ur wifi, and remind you how much rent costs in ur city
— priya (@priya_ebooks) September 20, 2017