Hot tweets, fresh out of the computer! There’s no better way to celebrate the coming weekend. Unless maybe it’s with a giant glass of wine or two…
But first… the tweets!!
Me to myself as I put on mascara: Awfully bold of you to assume you won’t cry today.
— Lauren O’Neal (@laureneoneal) June 2, 2017
Me when somebody gives me a little bit of affection pic.twitter.com/T7PcaPXvtS
— Johnny Bravo🐥⬇ (@LMJNudesregui) May 28, 2017
It’s starting to seem like the reality show host who kept going bankrupt in the 90s and failed at selling steaks isn’t good at this.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) June 1, 2017
Someone found my old theater camp bio and it’s very Rebecca Bunch pic.twitter.com/NMLqkQlfhi
— Rachel Bloom (@Racheldoesstuff) May 31, 2017
Me entering Pride month like pic.twitter.com/7B0OffT70j
— Teresa Lee 🏳️🌈 (@leresatee) June 1, 2017
every hideous canadian child has to be on degrassi for six seasons
it is their version of a military
— jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) June 1, 2017
Watching a kids show and the pig just asked the duck “Have you heard of teamwork?” Made a note to email that burn to my boss on Tuesday.
— Renee Colvert (@ReneeColvert) May 27, 2017
when u have a drafts folder full of shady, vituperative bile, but then u remember that ur trying to practice forgiveness & positivity pic.twitter.com/gRAGfzwot4
— keely (@keelythepest) May 30, 2017
What industry that smartphones killed do you miss most, I miss those print magazines that were just all haircut options pic.twitter.com/8CmeqBMHSQ
— Alana Massey (@AlanaMassey) May 30, 2017
First time in temple in 10 years, was about to give in to feeling of community then someone asked if I was my dad’s wife. Religion is bad.
— Gilli Nissim (@Time2GetGill) May 27, 2017
“I hate coffee, but I do love to create garbage” – whoever invented Keurig cups
— Sandra Allen (@sealln) May 30, 2017
Congressman: god will take care of climate change.
God: bitch I sent you scientists.
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) June 2, 2017
me, when i paper over the tiredness with makeup pic.twitter.com/xv8XMFYBaB
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) June 1, 2017
Naming my first child “Facebook Messenger Phone Call” so that everyone knows he was a mistake.
— Eileen M. 🌝’Connell (@i_Lean) June 2, 2017
Instead of “breaking news,” let’s call it “heart breaking news” from here on out.
— Kristen Schaal (@kristenschaaled) June 1, 2017
SHE WENT TOO FAR WE DESERVE AN APOLOGY pic.twitter.com/KSPg6CroGe
— Katelyn Hempstead (@KatelynUrFriend) June 1, 2017
Someone just screamed “FUCK YOU PAUL RYAN” while we were inserting her IUD and I’ve never laughed so hard in my life
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) June 2, 2017