Tweets You Can Be Thankful For

It’s the weekend. Next week is a short week. And also, wine still exists.

All in all, there’s a lot to be grateful for. And the hilarious women who wrote these tweets are very high on that list. Truly blessed.

Overheard in dressing room
Girl 1: that dress is CUTE on you
Girl 2: well, yes. but is it cute enough to destroy his whole life?

— emery lord (@emerylord) November 12, 2017

[thanksgiving dinner 2017]
them: everyone go around the table and say what they’re thankful for
me: are you fucking kidding me right now

— beth angryoctopus ? (@bourgeoisalien) November 14, 2017

Call me old-fashioned, but I want a man who will protect me like I’m the reputation of a guy he’s never met

— Kate Willett (@katewillett) November 11, 2017

All my niece had to do was write a sentence. She had one job ??‍♀️? pic.twitter.com/h9AfxteDyd

— Kenya B (@kenyabri) November 15, 2017

This cat looks like it’s being interviewed by the NYT about Trump’s broken promise to bring bodega cat jobs to its town. pic.twitter.com/oXKqIe4C7K

— Brandi Knows That’s Tombili, A Famous Turkish Cat (@ItsTheBrandi) November 13, 2017

*explaining sex*
well sweetie sometimes when two people are vaguely attracted to each other and want to feel bad about themselves —

— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) November 15, 2017

hot dating tip: don’t.

— Mary Ellen Murray (@maryellenmurr) November 12, 2017

Me. pic.twitter.com/G51incNU07

— Emily V Gordon (@emilyvgordon) November 14, 2017

Thank God we don’t have a female president. She’d be so emotionally volatile and obsessed with her appearance!

— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) November 12, 2017

no they literally don’t pic.twitter.com/B3EzU1xK71

— infinity crush ? (@yrinfinitycrush) November 11, 2017

when you @ me pic.twitter.com/z43OudlBlI

— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) November 12, 2017

imagine a rom com so perfect they never end up together and just stay enemies with sexual tension until they both die

— Carina Hsieh (@carinahsieh) November 14, 2017

LA’s hottest new spot should be a women-only cocktail bar with cork walls where we can group scream about how garbage everything is.

— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) November 11, 2017

Me. pic.twitter.com/G51incNU07

— Emily V Gordon (@emilyvgordon) November 14, 2017

Whenever you’re feeling unloved, think back to that time at the petting zoo when one of the goats made prolonged, meaningful eye contact with you.

— War on Xmas Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) November 14, 2017

Women are just coming forward for all the free death threats.

— Pumpkin Rice! (@genevieverice) November 10, 2017

Twitter During The Apocalypse

You know, sometimes it feels like social media has rewired our brains. Instead of reacting to world changing events like normal people, now we all go ‘hmm, what’s my hot take on this’. Which is why Leah Spigelman’s sketch is just a little too real.

This Week’s Funniest Tweets

Some week, huh? But in between the calling your senators about gun control and birth control and figuring out which movie review websites are run by sexual predators, you should take a little time to read good jokes from funny women. It’s the best self care we know of, tbh.

Oh yeah, and then take some time for wine too. Wine gets it.

Ladies bear with me I haven’t slept enough this week but if we hide all the guns in our vaginas, Congress will HAVE to regulate them!!!

— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) October 4, 2017

I want to offer a new pastime to gun “hobbyists.” For example, my dad cooks his own hummingbird nectar & it’s really fuckin weird (THREAD)

— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) October 3, 2017

High school bathroom graffiti: brittneys a hoe!!
College bathroom graffiti: Our entire society was founded on racism and misogyny

— Roxanne ? (@roxgranat) September 22, 2017

how you like IT daddy
how you like IT daddy pic.twitter.com/XyU6OHWdlF

— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) October 2, 2017

things more regulated than assault rifles:
– Kinder Surprise Eggs
– Sudafed
– birth control pills
– fucking lawn darts
– Camembert cheese

— Mia Bee (@im_a_mia) October 2, 2017

“Hi, I’m Erin Gibson, and I’ll grab ’em by the dick.” – my campaign slogan

— Nasty Erin (@gibblertron) October 4, 2017

DONT??SAY??U??WANT??A??GOTH??GF??IF??U??FREAK??OUT??WHEN??SHE??SACKS??ROME??

— ??anarc-ho?? (@Crime_Doer) October 4, 2017

*hits the blunt* ok why do they separate mens and womens chess tournaments

— bean toad (@beehivesy) October 2, 2017

women: there’s some really insidious stuff going on between tech and actual nazis
men a half decade later: whoa guess what *I* discovered!!!

— grapeman (@moocowprincess) October 5, 2017

you, sobbing: you can’t just jam a word in front of -‘tober’ and call it a monthly challenge
me, pointing at the sky: birdtober

— lacifer (@byelacey) October 2, 2017

SEE I TOLD YOU SHE WAS PERFECT pic.twitter.com/5jHepL7bfN

— Ashley Mayer (@ashleymayer) October 3, 2017

[in heaven]

FOUNDING FATHERS WHO WROTE THE SECOND AMENDMENT: “um..ya…that’s not what we meant”

— Amanda Hugnkiss (@caliluvgirl77) October 2, 2017

I’m down with white ppl reclaiming ‘cracka’, but I’m still gonna use the hard ‘-er’ version when they cut me in line at Pressed juicery https://t.co/Ok1z292czW

— Tawny Newsome (@TrondyNewman) October 2, 2017

Neil Armstrong: One small step for man…

Neil MRAstrong: Not all men, though

— Not Sara (@smithsara79) October 4, 2017

wow, little boys, you can be anything when you grow up! sexual predator businessman, sexual predator president, stay-at-home sexual predator

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 5, 2017

It’s me, a male photographer on Instagram. Please enjoy my groundbreaking series, Naked Thin White Women in Nature

— Allegra Ringhost (@allegraringo) September 29, 2017

The Funniest Tweets Of The Whole Entire Week

Monday was approximately 1.8 billion years ago. We are about to hit this weekend HARD with our girls, tbh.

Get in the mood for some wild weekend relaxation with our hilarious tweet round-up from this wacko week.

Vertigo, schadenfreude, numbness & dread, the four Trump-era humors.

— emily nussbaum (@emilynussbaum) May 16, 2017

Roses are red
Trump is mean pic.twitter.com/EFg9Q1jcSh

— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) May 16, 2017

“repeat after me: ‘you’re a proud, fearless peacock, and you’re gonna do great today.’ now go out there and be somebody!” pic.twitter.com/4cI5oE89ES

— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) May 17, 2017

I dgaf if men wear rompers. Men can do whatever they want as long as they do not speak to me

— Allegra Ringo (@allegraringo) May 19, 2017

Friend: Don’t agree with him so he knows you have your own mind…

Him: The sky is so beautiful.

Me: No it’s not.

— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) May 14, 2017

Remember when people were pissed at Obama for mentioning “arugula”? I think about that a lot

— Lisa Hanawalt (@lisadraws) May 18, 2017

My baby is a week old and I haven’t even dropped my phone on his face yet so maybe this will be the kid I don’t ruin.

— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) May 19, 2017

me knowing there are ppl out there who hate my guts and i will never know who they are pic.twitter.com/rWCt0Z65mP

— Giuliana ? (@Princessofwifi) May 18, 2017

For women’s bathing suits it’s like, “shape” and “conceal” and “accentuate.” For men, it’s “store your balls in this mesh lining. Have fun!”

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 18, 2017

When a fellow black girl lovingly calls you “bitch” for the first time pic.twitter.com/ZkezKNSncD

— DaMinnie Jo (@xoxoxMinnie) May 18, 2017

I’m an animal in bed.

More specifically, a koala.
I can sleep for 18 hours a day.

— ShewantstheD (@Disfordilaudid) May 16, 2017

WALK INTO THE PARTY LIKE pic.twitter.com/CTox5C16uP

— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) May 17, 2017

My main crush rn is actually a stock photo closeup of an interracial handshake

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 19, 2017

Just found the transcript of the speech Trump’s about to give: pic.twitter.com/vYy06lxIDw

— Kashana (@kashanacauley) May 18, 2017

did u know that everyone u thought was good is probably actually bad?

discuss

— jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) May 17, 2017

It’s called free speech, mom pic.twitter.com/gzZ0G4hweG

— Molly (@Molly_Kats) May 17, 2017

If The Internet Was Nice For A Day

The internet is mean af. All you have to do is type a symptom into WebMD or write the words ‘I am a woman’ on Twitter and you’ll see the dark side of the information age. But what if we lived in a wacky alternative universe where people were nice to each other on the internet and you didn’t constantly think you were dying? That would be… really nice.

Weekly Roundup Of The Funniest Tweets

IT’S THE WEEKEND LET’S PARTY!!!

But first! The finest, freshest, saltiest tweets of the whole wide week.

Love is finding an emergency contact you can have sex with

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) September 30, 2016

This is the only good dating advice anyone’s ever written.

Trying to think of a classy way to work one of my favorite rap lines, “ambition makes me so horny,” into my wedding vows.

— Mary Sasson (@marysasson) September 29, 2016

This is so fucking tight please invite us to your wedding.

Having a newborn is like having a tiny, screaming Patrick Stewart doll.

— The Ugly Volvo (@theuglyvolvo) September 29, 2016

‘You’ll understand when you have kids’, she said over Captain Picard’s sonorous yells.

Just Because I Frequently Tweet About Being Horny Doesn’t Mean I Want to Fuck You, Internet Stranger: A Memoir

— Alison Stevenson (@JustAboutGlad) September 29, 2016

Or just put this on our gravestones.

Literally the only accurate thing Trump has said tonight is that LaGuardia is not a good airport

— Ali V. (@alivingiano) September 27, 2016

Even the fact checkers couldn’t deny this one!

find someone who looks at you the way princess charlotte looks at balloons pic.twitter.com/ATzIzri6nw

— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) September 29, 2016

Some storybook fairytale romance type shit.

Ms. Tina really gave us Beyonce & Solange. We don’t thank her enough. Her womb is blessed.

— YEMI (@yemi_isms) September 30, 2016

Go listen to A Seat At The Table and then tell us you don’t believe that some wombs are just magic.

[on a date]

Him: so what hobbies do you enjoy?

[me caught sucking the caramel out of the middle of a piece of chocolate]

What?

— Felix Felicis (@LuckoftheDraw86) September 30, 2016

Dating < candy.

Is this pull quote from:

A. An unfuckable 19-year-old Midwestern Redditor
B. Irrelevant former auteur Oliver Stone
C. Both

(ANSWER: C) pic.twitter.com/DnVHxFpY9L

— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) September 29, 2016

This quiz made us sad ?

Never having to think about race is a major privilege of whiteness. Then suddenly you’re 60, someone asks you about diversity & you’re like pic.twitter.com/MuwViCKq67

— wikipedia brown (@eveewing) September 29, 2016

Omg did she just explain America?

— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) September 29, 2016

This is ABSOLUTELY worth 33 cents on the dollar.

Press release of the day. pic.twitter.com/o7r3azowX9

— Ana Marie Cox (@anamariecox) September 29, 2016

YYYYYYUP!

Don’t tell me I have commitment issues, I take vitamins three times a day.

— LTB (@_Tempo11) September 25, 2016

Committed to shiny hair and strong nails! (haha who needs a boyfriend)

Am I more financially stable than I was five years ago? No. But am I happier? Also no. Wait

— Courtney Nunes (@courtney_nunes) September 27, 2016

But have I learned a lot of valuable – oh nooooo.

This Taiwanese woman determinedly eating a pork bun in the middle of a raging typhoon is a model citizen https://t.co/JQ5IR4FhQQ

— Julia Macfarlane (@juliamacfarlane) September 28, 2016

Let’s all strive to be more like pork bun lady please.

Between the Klan with wizards and dragons, and the alt-right with anime girls and frogs, white men have ruined my childhood.

— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 29, 2016

This is the only time ‘MY CHILDHOOD IS RUINED’ is allowed.