Basic healthcare rights are in danger. The climate is about to take a serious hit. And we can’t help noticing that in every picture of The Donald signing a bogus executive order, there’s no one in the room but white men. YET AGAIN white men are trying to take everything good away. So why not take advantage of the brilliant new service from Cursed Champagne productions, and Yell At A White Man!!
Hey, when does ‘mom bod’ become a thing? Because it’s starting to feel like men are always going to be allowed to look a little schlubby and have a tummy, and women are always going to have to be in perfect shape. And that’s some bulllllllshiiiiiiit. So if this nightmare scenario from genius filmmaker Stephanie Stender comes true, well, we’re gonna be very ready to whip out our axes.
Halloween is over. The World Series is past. This miserable 15 year election season is almost done. WTF are we all going to argue about on Twitter after next week?!?!
Eh, we’ll think of something. Anyhoo enjoy the madness while it lasts! And salute the funny broads who keep us laughing through it all.
me: ugh I hate country music and everything about country
twitter: beyoncé is performing at the CMAs
— farwz (@farwzaz) November 2, 2016
Hello we would like one country music now please?
Gonna miss vine. Not since tinder have i been able to so quickly and accurately determine i hate someone
— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) October 28, 2016
Thank you, Vine, for this and many other gifts.
I’m pretty sure the CMA’s don’t give a chickens dick about the ppl who want to boycott if Bey performs. I just made up that phrase.
— Alice Wetterlund (@alicewetterlund) November 2, 2016
DAMN that’s a good turn of phrase.
The best thing about these annual White House trick-or-treat videos is the way he calls Michelle whenever he thinks a costume is funny pic.twitter.com/xI8sKoutaG
— Jen Lewis (@thisjenlewis) November 2, 2016
They’re so cute it honestly makes us barf with joy. That dad sweater!
poem by me: winter is long / i need a bong / seriously, i need one
— Gabby Bess (@seemstween) October 25, 2016
Wow never thought poetry could be this relatable.
I don’t care that Bono has been named Woman of the Year. I’m more upset that my lawn mower didn’t win Kelly Blue Book’s Best Family Car 2016
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) November 2, 2016
This is definitely No Ordinary Bullshit.
fake it until you die one day, having lived an inauthentic life
— jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) October 30, 2016
Somebody ironically cross-stitch this perfect quote plz.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like pic.twitter.com/R0urPZlwE4
— Kirsten Howard (@emotionalpedant) November 4, 2016
This is porn.
what does lindsay lohan’s new accent sound like i’m too lazy to check
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) November 2, 2016
Sounds like a mix of our childhoods dying and idk like Czech?
Get you a fruit who can do both. pic.twitter.com/OIW9mJMkHD
— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) November 2, 2016
K this is the ultimate version of this meme. It can now retire happily.
the thing is if any of you were like “oh this is my new crush” i’d have to be like “that is so nice, but he is krampus.” pic.twitter.com/UfOivxVBlO
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) November 2, 2016
Anne is a supportive friend, everyone take note.
It’s like my therapist doesn’t even care that I don’t know what my brand is anymore.
— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) November 2, 2016
Never feel bad for breaking up with a therapist if they clearly don’t understand or respect you.
Also, men, if getting your birthcontrol doesn’t send your bp down to 60/40 and require an injection of atropine, DON’T CRY TO ME.
— Novel deVice (@noveldevice) November 2, 2016
Yeah this news doesn’t mean men are weak, it just means women are TOUGH AS SHIT AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.
There was a roll of dental floss accidentally mixed in with my laundry pic.twitter.com/ReUVWhsoxl
— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) October 31, 2016
This isn’t even funny this is goddamn tragic.
This year, racially insensitive Halloween costumes from your white friends is a quick way to find out who’s voting for Trump.
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) October 29, 2016
Racists gonna racist!
The company that owes me freelance money is currently hosting a live-stream should I just comment a bunch “can u pay me can u pay me pls”
— Nina Concepción (@ninamconcepcion) November 2, 2016
Do this. We will pay you to do this. Please do it and tell us how it goes.
I’m different and special because of how much I like coffee
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) October 26, 2016
– every single man’s Tinder bio.
I’m a strong independent woman who needs every person on the planet to love her in order to feel complete
— Alison Stevenson (@JustAboutGlad) November 2, 2016
IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK???
Your protest vote: pic.twitter.com/MAN8aNWfYO
— Natasha Rothwell (@natasharothwell) November 4, 2016
Dead. Dead. DEEAAAAADD.