Happy Friday KWEENS. What better way than to embrace the weekend than with your weekly dose of the funniest f*cking tweets? Leggo!
I won’t neglect the balls…so yeah, I guess you can say I’m good at sports.
— bubble girl (@JessObsess) August 22, 2013
*Blush-y face emoji*
i did a bad thing. https://t.co/hpKDwhvmZJ
— Ellie Sunakawa (@elliesunakawa) January 7, 2016
THIS IS THE GREATEST THING WE HAVE EVER SEEN.
Again, REPEAT: This is the greatest thing we have ever seen.
Walked by a construction site and told them to show me their tits. I’m the captain now. — Mel Gabor (@melgabored) February 12, 2016
have you ever eaten a salad and not thought like this is gross — Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) February 12, 2016
Does every time we eat a salad count?
Me: I don’t really like to cook
Harry styles: i love it when a woman can cook
— Christina (@christinaconcep) February 10, 2016
my daddy from kentucky mama also kentucky you mix em both and you basically just get more kentucky, idk — Tracy Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) February 12, 2016
That was Beyoncé’s first draft, obviously.
My kindergarten report card read “Plays well with others (whom she deems worthy of her time. This varies day to day. No one is safe.)” — erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) February 12, 2016
Accurate to most of us.
43% of scrolling through Instagram is rolling your eyes and muttering under your breath. — Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti) February 12, 2016
YEP. And also wondering, “Who takes these candid, flattering pictures of you as if you don’t know, but somehow post to your own instagram?!”
TBH anyone who got through watching The Revenant deserves an Oscar for The Revenant.
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) February 12, 2016
OH, you wanted me to wear lingerie? I thought you said linguine… *slurps noodle off of arm* — Lacey Nycole (@LaceyNycole) February 12, 2016
Linguine > lingerie. Always.
Is there a polite way to say “I’d date you, but you totally look like my brother”? Like maybe on a cake — Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) February 11, 2016
Ahhhh, the age-old issue of sexually avoiding anyone who looks like a relative.
*lights dim in restaurant* DATE: did it just become sexier in here? ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU — batkaren (@batkaren) January 12, 2015
RT this ALL DAY.
I’m never sadder than when I see my reflection on screen while looking at pictures of cake online.
— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) February 12, 2016
It’s fine – we’re fine, really. It’s fine.
When I fix my work computer without IT support. pic.twitter.com/AM5zHvZg6V — Josh (@J_Manasa) February 11, 2016
A realistic pregnancy test commercial where the result is positive and the couple is really upset because they never wanted children. — OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 12, 2016
Tinder but for dudes who want to carry your groceries. — Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) February 12, 2016
This would be a dream.
I don’t feel like I’ve reflected enough upon my day until I can think of five reasons why every single choice I made was the worst — Anne Lane (@AnnieLLane) February 12, 2016
There’s no ceiling for how excited you’re allowed to get when you remember you have cheese in the fridge — Jessica Gonzales (@jessjessgo) February 12, 2016
Cheese good. Me love cheese. Cheese forever.
Featured image via.