Another Friday, another week of insanity to joke about. It’s like the hits just keep on coming!
But as long as the world is just this side of an irradiated wasteland, we’ll be rounding up the week’s greatest tweets and presenting them for your entertainment. You’re welcome!
me: this is hopeless. there is nothing left worth fighting for
*finds out beyoncé is having twins*
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) February 1, 2017
They are our Luke and Leia and we will fight for them til the end.
Nice to see the boys who said “you’re so lucky to have boobs, you must play with them all day” finally get the gov’t positions they deserve
— Marcia Belsky (@MarciaBelsky) January 26, 2017
Now they can issue executive orders to get girls to kiss each other.
So sad to hear about The Bowling Green Massacre, 15 ewoks, the entire Smurf village, and Mike & Carol Brady all killed. Thoughts & prayers.
— beth can’t with this (@bourgeoisalien) February 3, 2017
you can’t get bad financial advice if you don’t have any finances pic.twitter.com/GOiAMj8xn1
— Ziwe (@ziwe) February 3, 2017
I’ve often found that if people have a crackpot worldview wildly at odds with logic, I can lure them to my side by correcting their grammar.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) February 3, 2017
Honestly this is a very sound strategy and we’re glad to see people on Twitter following it.
Writer: hmm, everyone seems to be enjoying this news about Beyoncé’s pregnancy…
Writer: it would be a shame if someone were to..ruin it… pic.twitter.com/zy5R2c2QGl
— Gena-mour Barrett (@SmileGena) February 3, 2017
CUE THE THINK PIECES!!!
Trump wants his female staffers to dress like women but he didn’t specify which women so I suggest The Golden Girls
— Rachel Hastings (@rachelhastings) February 3, 2017
Muu-muus are the most respectable clothing.
— Joanna Robinson (@jowrotethis) January 30, 2017
Comedic actresses will save us all.
Congrats, Miss Teen Cirrhosis USA pic.twitter.com/WaBdG5RaQf
— Dana Wickens (@danawickens) February 3, 2017
Honestly he probably looks good for how much coke he does.
— Franchesca Ramsey (@chescaleigh) February 1, 2017
Trump redlined that show right into our hearts!
Weren’t adult coloring books supposed to solve all these problems.
— Lori (@loribuckmajor) January 30, 2017
Yeah what the hell, they had swear words in them and everything.
Fuck it. I’m getting a sword.
— Annie Lederman (@annielederman) February 3, 2017
Dibs on a big ass machete.
As a New Yorker I fear terrorist attacks, but not half as much as someone living in a small Midwestern town that ISIS has never heard of.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 30, 2017
P sure they grow their own terrorists there anyways.
in 2019, scrawled in blood on the wall of an abandoned children’s hospital:
12 Hilarious Tweets from 2016 That Predicted The End
— Snowflake Cuckfuckr (@BabsGray) February 3, 2017
Us, dying of the radiation plague: ‘At least… (cough, cough) we found… the funniest tweets’