Do you need a laugh? Yeah, we figured. We’re on it!
It’s been a whopper of a week, but these funny tweets from hilarious women are the monkey-hug that we all need right now. Damn, they’re good at jokes.
Roses are red, violets are blue, leave me alone.
— Zendaya (@Zendaya) February 14, 2018
The Purge, but for one day a year anyone who’s signed an NDA can talk.
— Maris Kreizman (@mariskreizman) February 16, 2018
Tfw you don’t fuck around, but are still cute pic.twitter.com/2xtMLKrczo
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) February 12, 2018
ME, watching the olympic ice dancing: this is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. this is the pinnacle of human achievement. i am weeping
ANNOUNCER: this pathetic worm held her arm kind of weird on the landing. she has shamed her country and family
ME: oh. okay— your friend lust-cait (@chaeronaea) February 11, 2018
man I had no idea you could buy this. I’ve just been using drugs and alcohol pic.twitter.com/RziVhnvoY3
— Jenna-Claire (@jennaaclaire) February 12, 2018
woman: [makes joke]
man: okay you do realise this is INCORRECT? let me explain— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) February 10, 2018
I got wasted at Dave & Busters once and this is how security threw me out pic.twitter.com/NSCjGYqM1a
— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) February 15, 2018
There are so many ways to call someone an idiot. In the south, you say “bless their heart.” In LA you say “they’re on their own journey.” And on the east coast you scream “idiot” at them until a vein bursts in your neck
— Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) February 16, 2018
Happy Galentine’s Day to all the friends who will pull out the cheesecake when we’ve got a problem to solve — cheers to the Rhodas to our Marys, the Shirleys to our Lavernes, and Sugarbakers everywhere. ?#galentinesday pic.twitter.com/b7q1DAwRbv
— Emily Schmidt (@emilyrschmidt) February 13, 2018
Women: Dear men, please treat us with respect
Too many men: FINE, I GUESS I’LL NEVER SPEAK TO A WOMAN AGAIN EVER— Elizabeth M. (@_ElizabethMay) February 10, 2018
Wow thank you so much for letting me host tonight pic.twitter.com/loJe1mcovS
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) February 16, 2018
When someone asks if I want kids its like dude I’m waiting to find out if I’m gonna get super rich or not first
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) February 12, 2018
I’m scared Luna is gonna hate her baby brother because I have a really hard time welcoming new bravo cast members
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 13, 2018
“I’m still a lesbian,” I whispered to myself, “this doesn’t mean anything.” pic.twitter.com/xV0c1DXNtq
— April Michelle 2.0 (@JanettheIntern) February 12, 2018
Lucky Charms is retiring the marshmallows shaped like the Amulet of Zoergoratf, staring, “We should never have unleashed this much power, no matter how delicious.”
— Heather Anne Campbell (@heathercampbell) February 13, 2018
Is your child texting about Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car”?
ygafc = you’ve got a fast car
igaptguooh = I’ve got a plan to get us out of here
bwaacs = been working at a convenience store
mtsjalbom = managed to save just a little bit of money
wwhtdtf = we won’t have to drive too far— Rachel, from grad school (@rachlack) February 11, 2018
Loving the very natural escalation of these three personal facts about Adam Rippon pic.twitter.com/BUOQM37Xuy
— Ava Wallace (@avarwallace) February 16, 2018
Don’t let people tell you being a parent is hard. Sometimes there are beautiful, quiet moments that make you realize it’s also boring. pic.twitter.com/p1MNqwdcmr
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 12, 2018
sorry pic.twitter.com/ApQYOf5XF7
— Shoshana Weissmann, Sloth Committee Chair (@senatorshoshana) February 12, 2018
Me my entire life: Barely realizes snowboarding exists
Me 2 days into the Olympics: If McMorris thinks he’s getting on the podium with anything less than a clean 1620 toe grab, he’s a fool
— Riane Konc (@theillustrious) February 11, 2018
“wyd tonight”
it’s 5pm, i’ve already showered and gotten into bed. if u wanted to make plans, u should’ve asked 3 months in advance
— princess (@champagnefeeI) February 10, 2018
I trained a neural network to generate new candy heart messages – some more successful than others. https://t.co/tPZyGV3upg pic.twitter.com/9J8HjiMshV
— Janelle Shane (@JanelleCShane) February 9, 2018
