This week makes us want to sink into the couch with Netflix, a bottle of wine, and a big bowl of delicious Tide Pods.
JUST KIDDING DON’T EAT TIDE PODS. If you’re in need of relaxation, try these hilarious tweets from talented women. They say laughter is the best tide pod- oops we mean medicine.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 17, 2018
whenever I get mad about something I take a deep breath, raise up my shoulders, and walk like a Bitch into Trader Joe’s
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) January 18, 2018
The Police: Every little thing she does is magic
1692 Salem magistrate: Go on
— Gina (@ginadivittorio) January 16, 2018
I would date Gollum. He’s got focus, drive, determination, and great taste in jewelry. Plus I’m sensitive to the sun and he’d understand.
— Sara Benincasa (@SaraJBenincasa) January 19, 2018
My Swedish uncle gave me a traditional knife and told me it’s the same knife Too-Ticky has in Moomin, then proceeded to tell me how Too-Ticky is based off of Jansson’s same-sex partner. It was basically “I know you’re queer, here’s a knife.”
— Cathy G. Johnson (@cathygjohn) January 17, 2018
When your date lied in his profile photo pic.twitter.com/UDfmDNZwLm
— Heauxcifer (@slobear) January 19, 2018
Have we considered putting a bowl of tide pods in the Oval Office
— Irene Marquette (@IreneMarquette) January 13, 2018
Feminism has gone too far. Men have been pushed to the brink of becoming nervous & considerate on their first dates. I’m so sorry for my hand in this dystopia.
— Red Durkin (@RedIsDead) January 16, 2018
the “in case you missed it” section is an insult to a user of my calibre. i am online at all times of the day. i have transcended even needing a device to be online, it is just my natural state of being. I have missed no posts
— AN NYE KNK (@AnnieKNK) January 17, 2018
The thoughtful discourse among Aziz Ansari’s defenders has opened my eyes to something important: only violent rape and murder are bad. All other behavior is very good.
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) January 16, 2018
i have never once in my life been chill, when i was seven years old my biggest fear was spontaneous human combustion
— J. Jennifer Espinoza (@sadqueer4life) January 18, 2018
I wonder if, when the “adult actor” was spanking Trump with a copy of Forbes magazine, the subscription form fell out, and if so, if they picked it up, and recycled it. I hate those forms. They always fall out.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) January 18, 2018
normal people on MLK day: happy MLK day
white conservatives on MLK day: today on this blessed day it’s more important than ever to remember that MLK once said in his famous speech “i love the whites be nice to them”, that calling me “mayonnaise sucka” is akin to slavery
— baby new year (@frozenblueber) January 15, 2018
The list of who the “secret guest” on comedy shows might be is getting shorter and shorter.
— Skinner (@elizaskinner) January 15, 2018