What time is it? IT’S TWEET ROUNDUP TIME BAYBEEEEEEE!
It’s been a wild week in politics/sports/global warming, let’s celebrate the weekend with some delicious 140-character comedy! How divine.
— Megan MacKay (@mmmegan) August 11, 2016
YES this is a tweet about a snap. But Megan’s takeover was truly a work of art.
Went to a party and panicked for about three hours straight tonight. Highlight was when a guy asked me if I would “outgrow” my anxiety LOLZ
— roryuphold (@roryuphold) August 7, 2016
It’s just a phase! A crippling 27 year phase!
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) August 12, 2016
We’re so desperate to see his face when he opened this.
footage of me settling in at my computer moments before releasing some thrilling gossip into the group chat pic.twitter.com/mwz8aFH1sk
— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) August 12, 2016
Us af, honestly.
The year was 2016. We were all kinda into the Rio Olympics. Trump hadn’t been shot into space yet. And no one was used to having chip cards.
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) August 12, 2016
We nominate this woman to narrate the 2016 documentary 40 years from now because she is perfection.
it took me until my mid-20s to realize “smiling while driving recklessly” was not the same as being sexually compelling & even now I forget
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) August 6, 2016
This sounds pretty goddamn sexually compelling to us.
Brittney, 22, single, loves Starbucks, saving money for a boob job, can’t pay the rent, but still goes shopping. pic.twitter.com/2P5eH9SqM6
— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) August 12, 2016
But is Brittney looking for best friends, orrrr…?
— Maggie Tokuda-Hall (@emteehall) August 6, 2016
When a shipwreck is doing better political commentary than all the major networks ??
it still confuses me that my mom’s email isn’t firstname.lastname@example.org
— Ashlyn Anstee (@ashlynanstee) August 6, 2016
Also that her first name isn’t Mom???
I want to respect Malia’s privacy but am worried there was no Cinnamon Toast Crunch at Lollapalooza. A girl’s first time should be special
— Drew (@MostlyPregnant) August 11, 2016
Everyone’s just mad because Malia’s cooler than they were in high school. Give the child some cereal.
Area dude sees woman doing something extraordinary, heroically overcomes challenges to redirect attention to himself https://t.co/hJP90xXG82
— Beth Ethier (@missdeutsch) August 12, 2016
Same but with Hannukah gelt pic.twitter.com/GlTyzEyPYp
— Keough Novak (@KeoNovak) August 12, 2016
Our dreidel spins always get 16.000.
My pussy is MENTAL cannot wait to slap my totally OUT OF CONTROL labia onto the voting machine lever!!!! https://t.co/98gOLdqJFx
— Sara Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) August 10, 2016
If voting were this dope, more people would be voting. LABIA 4 PREZ.
if anyone is looking for an additional grandma, i just ate half a popsicle then wrapped up the rest and put it back in the freezer for later
— Samantha Morris (@samscram) August 11, 2016
Samantha is the grandma America needs.
I asked my bf to bring contraband snacks down from his office for our road trip and he brought me HEALTHY DAD SNACKS pic.twitter.com/WEgRF5IgAq
— Alana Massey (@AlanaMassey) August 12, 2016
This is grounds for divorce in most states.
I bought an old house that came with a gramophone but no matter what record I pick it plays a song called “Go Into The Furnace”-any advice?
— Me, Sarah Shockey!! (@sarahjoyshockey) August 10, 2016
Looks like you gotta go in to that furnace, bro.
Both my shampoo and conditioner ran out at the exact same time. Rare, like when a couple dies holding hands in bed after 70 yrs of marriage.
— Lauren Reeves (@laurenreeves) August 12, 2016
Rare… and beautiful.