Getting older is THE BEST. You stop giving a shit about what people think, you have more money, and old dudes suddenly look hot to you. Carmen Lynch makes a really good case for growing older, and also for being in therapy. So pretty much everything we’re doing already. Yay!
We are done with the conventions and the weekend is almost here. If that’s not a reason to celebrate with some funny tweets, honestly, what even is???
I PROMISE IF YOU STAY I WILL START WORKING OUT AGAIN MICHELLE.
I WILL EAT MORE SPINACH.
— Lilith (@grimalkinrn) July 26, 2016
We’ll do yoga every day Michelle pleeeeeaaassseeee.
Just cancelled a first date because of an “emergency” which is that I’ve already lost interest.
— LISA CURRY (@lisa_curry) July 27, 2016
Does your family have an emergency plan in case of this very real and genuine emergency?
when you been thinkin about your leftovers at home all day but when you get there somebody already ate them pic.twitter.com/kjd5GyBMAs
— Tracy Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) July 26, 2016
What’s the word for rage+grief+despair. Riefspair?
— Lisa Hanawalt (@lisadraws) July 22, 2016
Don’t wanna know about anything that happened at Comic Con other than this, ok? Ok.
Every time someone dies it means God didn’t want to fuck or marry them 🙁
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) July 28, 2016
Sometimes people treat me like they don’t remember I was 2009’s Spanish 3 Student of the Year
— Paige Weldon (@paigeweldon) July 28, 2016
Never forget (your hollow useless childhood triumphs).
Did you guys know that there aren’t even any burritos in Russia?
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) July 27, 2016
ME: You can see Jupiter’s moon Ganymede.
HIM: [looking thru telescope] I can almost make out–
ME: [eager to make out] WHAT’S IT GONNA TAKE?
— batkaren (@batkaren) July 27, 2016
This is our new favorite text.
the first time I went grocery shopping in university pic.twitter.com/Occ4LIxC5R
— Katie Jensen (@katiejensen) July 27, 2016
Also us grocery shopping well into our 30’s hahahhahaha oops!
Hey girl, are you the new Gilmore Girls revival? ‘Cause I’m excited about you but I’m afraid to let you in in case you let me down.
— Sam Montgomery (@sammontgomery) July 27, 2016
Sometimes loving a show means knowing it will let you down. Maybe not this time tho?
Let’s take a moment to applaud all the women at the DNC this week, for not crying at work.#DNCinPHL
— Jena Friedman (@JenaFriedman) July 27, 2016
How DO they do it??
Who wants a brief respite from the horrors of politics?
Have some Tom Hardy with dogs. pic.twitter.com/uFYMgbxVM0
— Kayleigh Anne (@Ceilidhann) July 27, 2016
Who’s a good boy? Who wants a treat? Tom Hardy’s a good boy!
I can’t believe they made an all-male reboot of Little Women, my childhood is ruined!!!! pic.twitter.com/oWoN5pxZ3g
— Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) July 27, 2016
Welp, time to start trolling every smart outspoken man on the internet!
— Tika Sumpter (@iamtikasumpter) July 28, 2016
IN SPITE OF THEIR WEAK MALE BODIES they really have done a bang up job.
It’s been a week, y’all. Thank goddess for all the funny women who help us get through. Let’s make each other laugh, huh?
congress gets things done like i do my laundry: don’t do jack shit for six months, start to stink, pull a shameful all nighter
— jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) June 15, 2016
It’s like we always say, literally anyone can end up in Congress.
Being heartbroken is a great way to make your friends really proud of you for completing basic tasks
— Paige Weldon (@paigeweldon) June 12, 2016
I got out of bed today plz validate me now.
my constant state but current state mostly is lin-manuel miranda weeping in carole king’s arms
— #BrittanySpanos (@ohheybrittany) June 13, 2016
How anyone made it through the Tony’s without sobbing like Lin-Manuel is a true mystery.
Ask the Gays sequels:
-Quiz the Blacks
-Canvass the Jews
-Cross-examine the Muslims
-Interrogate the Mexicans
-Query the Women Over 40
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 15, 2016
This is very funny and also makes us very nervous because what if he does?
Can you still be punk if you’re mad at someone for getting your bath mat dirty?
— Alison Stevenson (@JustAboutGlad) June 12, 2016
Punk is a state of mind. (But also, no).
what are you doing tom no pls no think this through pls tom tom can you hear me blink once for yes tom blink twice if you need help tom pls
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) June 15, 2016
Where were you when you found out about Swiddles Beachgate?
brain *whispering*: hey
me: stop i’m trying to sleep
brain: you ever think maybe girls with straight hair are happier than you
— Julia Fay (@JuliaFayZim) June 10, 2016
This but also with girls with thick eyebrows.
It’s cute flowers tuck themselves in at night
— Mary Sasson (@marysasson) June 12, 2016
CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS 🌸🌺🌼🌻💐😍
Chlamydia is way too sexy a name for what’s only kind of a sexy thing.
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) June 15, 2016
Of the venereal diseases, which is your fave? We like scabies.
Yoda advising Anakin about the pull of the dark side except it’s me warning you about the temptation to be a fuck boy.
— Liz (@ibikeinheels) June 15, 2016
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hatred. Hatred leads to ghosting.
me: body positivity is so important, you are all beautiful, never call yourself ugly
also me to myself: except you
— farwz (@farwzaz) June 15, 2016
‘You go girl, you’re a queen, such a babe, don’t need a man, so gorg’ (ugh I’m garbage) – us
oops I forgot to take my vitamin every day for the rest of my life except maybe like 8 of the days
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) June 13, 2016
~bolts over to medicine cabinet in a panic~
takin a break to eat a fresh coconut!
— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) June 13, 2016
Wow is this what it’s like to be famous??? Another reason to be more like Peretti.
The phrase “inside baseball” is the only thing I know about baseball.
— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) June 15, 2016
Also when you get to first base you have to kiss.
tinder, but it’s just people offering their earnest opinion on whether or not you should get bangs
— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) June 15, 2016
Let’s be real it would be all left swipes.
Who’s already blogging about how Margaery is hilldawg and the High Sparrow is bern
— Drew (@MostlyPregnant) June 13, 2016
The High Sparrow is also Larry David, in case anyone was wondering.