It’s Friday and the world hasn’t exploded yet and gosh dang it, those are good enough reasons to celebrate!
So let’s freakin’ party with some grade-A top choice tweets, why don’t we.
The other day I referred to a guy I was texting as a man with a “Big Bang Theory sense of humor” and it was the meanest thing I’ve ever said
— Grace Spelman (@GraceSpelman) April 4, 2017
In many states, it’s legal for cops to shoot you if you hand them a Pepsi
— Erin 🎶Gloria🎶 Ryan (@morninggloria) April 4, 2017
I thought you were unwell, why are you wearing eyeliner?
“I’m sick not a savage.”
— Starchily Master (@Starchily90) March 30, 2017
But fr, who would buy a poster of that uninvited guy at the halls party who picks up your housemate’s guitar and starts playing Wonderwall? pic.twitter.com/OB3z3eNZFS
— 🚮 (@KirbyAfua) April 7, 2017
I’m not judging, I’m just negatively observing
— venmo famous meat (@AlexisGZall) April 3, 2017
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
— peggy oh, MY! 🖖 (@ohpegah) April 6, 2017
*tearing up at extremely unflattering picture of crush*
This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 6, 2017
this is correct – if a man tries to be friends with me I will make him carry all my shopping bags and walk 3 feet behind me and my boyfriend pic.twitter.com/ig9MHuZaIh
— Nicole Silverberg (@nsilverberg) April 4, 2017
[looks into a pram and sighs]
Oh, I thought it might have been cats.
— Boo Meringue (@Izianikapani) April 6, 2017
*Sad Mike Pence carries milk crate of Barry Manilow albums to the curb*
— Tamra Brown (@browntamra) April 6, 2017
mood: the neighbor gleefully watching protestors outside of Ivanka Trump’s house pic.twitter.com/6UjZbSqcdg
— Mack Wilds. (@etherealcabello) April 3, 2017
TRUMP IS OBSESSED WITH CHINA BECAUSE HE PRONOUNCES IT GINA.
— Ceda Shiiiiiiiiong (@slobear) April 6, 2017
Bank teller: how much will you be depositing today?
Me: *carefully places a handful of pretty hair clips on the counter*
— Baby Bionic Swayze (@buhsbaby_baby) April 5, 2017
You know what happened to the boy who quit trolling people? pic.twitter.com/aJvycL4Yuf
— Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) April 7, 2017