You know what, cool sarcastic nerds of the internet? Pumpkin spice lattes are good. THEY. TASTE. GOOOOD. And if thinking that makes us basic then we’re gonna embrace it, just like Gaby, Allison and the Nuclear Family folks. Now someone bring us a bottle of rosé and a DVD of the first 4 seasons of Scandal, goddamnit.
IT’S LABOR DAY WEEKEND BABYYYY!!
Our hearts are with people working on Monday. Let these funny tweets ease the pain of a regular weekend, and/or bring joy to your vacay.
Send me your teeth and I’ll send you my nudes
— Baby Swayze (@buhsbaby_baby) August 31, 2016
Thank you so so much for writing our new Tinder bio.
TRUMP: “Who pays for the wall? We didn’t discuss that.”
Dude, that’s like your whole deal.
— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) August 31, 2016
What did they even talk about, sports? Snorkeling???
I was raised by two women (Wednesday Addams and Buffy Summers)
— Anne Lane (@AnnieLLane) August 28, 2016
People with two moms turn out better, and that’s a fact.
I would respect it so much if someone would make a public announcement admitting that whole chip on your ATM card concept was a total lemon
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) September 1, 2016
Look it was a good concept, but sometimes you need to give up on a dream.
If Facebook Was Real
me: cool shirt Brian
[hours later, a knock at my door]
me: um yes?
Brian’s Mom: I also like that shirt
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) August 29, 2016
Brian’s Mom seems cool.
93% of being a woman is just playing through the pain
— Aminatou Sow (@aminatou) August 31, 2016
Hahahhahah oh wait this one is just true.
Umm, I’ve been part of the “no makeup movement” for years. It’s called “being lazy.”
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) September 2, 2016
The next time a man approaches me “just to talk,” we’re talking for 4 hrs. You want to make a new friend? Sit the fuck down; we aren’t done.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) August 31, 2016
You dinguses invented the ‘friend zone’, about time you learn to actually be a friend.
getty images stock video “beautiful young woman counting” is my favorite movie of all time pic.twitter.com/h5kHisAu8T
— taint zooms (@hunktears) August 29, 2016
Better than friggin Thor 4 or whatever.
“I want to share the fun of a hat which has given my family laughter and joy for 20 years.” MY HEART https://t.co/tJrDgXKlbC
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) August 31, 2016
Srsly did we all just find the internet’s only good old white man?
I didn’t mean to kill him, your honor. He started a PowerPoint presentation and I meant to kill myself but missed.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) September 1, 2016
Him: ‘And now for this 15 point slide illustrated by a stock photo of a dog’
Us: *chugging poison*
I literally have a lemon that’s been in my fridge longer than Brock Turner has been in jail for raping an unconscious woman.
— Marlena Bittner (@lenabitts) August 30, 2016
THAT LEMON IS A BETTER PERSON THAN EVERY RAPIST.
I’m the only person who can tell you the right way to grieve.
— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) August 29, 2016
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Shelby.
It’s too late to start a movie *watches 9 straight hours of TV*
— Allegra Ringo (@allegraringo) August 29, 2016
That’s just a smart use of time tho.
Hillary & Huma watching Beyonce at the #vmas, a sea of NY Posts scattered at their feet.
Hillary whispers: “It’s time.”
— Kate Spencer (@katespencer) August 29, 2016
Please please someone in Hollywood make this movie, we are begging over here.
Work is a lot like school except instead of graduating, you die.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 1, 2016
At least after you die no one will pressure you to go to grad school.
i tried taking a cool pic but pic.twitter.com/Jbksm8YgKX
— trish (@kyotorichi) September 1, 2016
This bird is our intern now.
when you have to pretend to like the too-strong drink your friend fixed for you pic.twitter.com/WSBVTGGrqI
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) August 31, 2016
That’s that pre-regret face right there.
do you think willem dafoe has a nicer brother named willem dafriend
— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) August 31, 2016
See, this is the kind of humor we can get behind.
GUYS, THE WORLD IS A FUCKING TRASH FIRE RIGHT NOW. LET PEOPLE WHO WANT PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES AND CANDY CORN HAVE WHATEVER JOY THEY CAN FIND.
— Suzan Eraslan (@SuzanEraslan) September 1, 2016
There are entire religions based on worse advice. Good job Suzan.