Some weeks are lazy rivers, and some weeks are category 5 rapids. This one was the second one. Big ups to all the funny Twitterers who kept us thinkin’ and laughin’.
It’s silly to think you can’t criticize America while still loving it. I criticize the things I love the most, just ask my boyfriend.
— Mary Sasson (@marysasson) July 4, 2016
We nag because we care, Uncle Sam.
“I am a good President. I am always voting. Sometimes I don’t win and that’s okay.”
Daughter is playing with Barbies and just said this omg
— Kate Spencer (@katespencer) July 7, 2016
President Barbie sounds like a sensitive badass, plz start a write-in campaign for President Barbie.
Daddy, tell me about when grandpa was little and scaring dogs and birds day was called Independence Day?
— Alice Wetterlund (@alicewetterlund) July 4, 2016
Why do we do this to the ones we love?!?
“new foam who dis”-me trying a different body wash
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 5, 2016
This is truly the funniest body wash joke ever written.
Well… it’s official. The world is a clogged toilet at a truck stop.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 7, 2016
Gross. Gross and accurate.
As I age I see depression less as something I need to “cure” and more as something I just need to “manage.”
Ok enjoy ur movie! Theater 4 is-
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) July 5, 2016
“We need to have a talk about your employment at the Cineplex”
whoa…Applebee’s, what the heck? ur new lunch specials are bananas pic.twitter.com/9fhKOeNUOh
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) July 5, 2016
Brb, inviting our ex-boyfriends to Applebees.
Just opened my wallet & thought “whoa! Why so much cash?” It was 33 dollars.
— Megan Gailey (@megangailey) July 7, 2016
Super rich kids with nothing but loose ends/super rich kids with nothing but freelance jobs.
— Ellie Sunakawa (@elliesunakawa) July 7, 2016
We can never un-see this. But then, why would we want to?
well, DEFINITELY 10 mins before heading out is a perfect time to test out a new eyeliner, esp. when u don’t know how to wear eyeliner
— Lisa Hanawalt (@lisadraws) July 5, 2016
Sure, that plan checks out.
I’m packing up to move and I hate everyone who has ever given me any sort of possession
— Allegra Ringo (@allegraringo) July 5, 2016
How dare you show your love with gifts, you monsters?!?!?
“Make America Great Again” = “Go back to when we could murder black people without being filmed”
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) July 7, 2016
why would anyone hate sluts when we are proof that terrorism didn’t win
— Barbara Gray (@BabsGray) July 3, 2016
When the fundamentalists tell you to cover up, you KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.
— Heben Nigatu (@heavenrants) July 7, 2016