Hey, did you know that Spanish is the primary language spoken at home by over 35 million people in the US? And that the US is the world’s fifth-largest Spanish-speaking community? Wow, pretty wild! So in honor of the language of Lorca and Neruda and also our favorite soap opera La Rosa De Guadalupe, we asked some of our fave funny women to write a poem with whatever words of Spanish they know. It turned out… ok!
What time is it? IT’S TWEET ROUNDUP TIME BAYBEEEEEEE!
It’s been a wild week in politics/sports/global warming, let’s celebrate the weekend with some delicious 140-character comedy! How divine.
— Megan MacKay (@mmmegan) August 11, 2016
YES this is a tweet about a snap. But Megan’s takeover was truly a work of art.
Went to a party and panicked for about three hours straight tonight. Highlight was when a guy asked me if I would “outgrow” my anxiety LOLZ
— roryuphold (@roryuphold) August 7, 2016
It’s just a phase! A crippling 27 year phase!
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) August 12, 2016
We’re so desperate to see his face when he opened this.
footage of me settling in at my computer moments before releasing some thrilling gossip into the group chat pic.twitter.com/mwz8aFH1sk
— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) August 12, 2016
Us af, honestly.
The year was 2016. We were all kinda into the Rio Olympics. Trump hadn’t been shot into space yet. And no one was used to having chip cards.
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) August 12, 2016
We nominate this woman to narrate the 2016 documentary 40 years from now because she is perfection.
it took me until my mid-20s to realize “smiling while driving recklessly” was not the same as being sexually compelling & even now I forget
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) August 6, 2016
This sounds pretty goddamn sexually compelling to us.
Brittney, 22, single, loves Starbucks, saving money for a boob job, can’t pay the rent, but still goes shopping. pic.twitter.com/2P5eH9SqM6
— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) August 12, 2016
But is Brittney looking for best friends, orrrr…?
— Maggie Tokuda-Hall (@emteehall) August 6, 2016
When a shipwreck is doing better political commentary than all the major networks ??
it still confuses me that my mom’s email isn’t firstname.lastname@example.org
— Ashlyn Anstee (@ashlynanstee) August 6, 2016
Also that her first name isn’t Mom???
I want to respect Malia’s privacy but am worried there was no Cinnamon Toast Crunch at Lollapalooza. A girl’s first time should be special
— Drew (@MostlyPregnant) August 11, 2016
Everyone’s just mad because Malia’s cooler than they were in high school. Give the child some cereal.
Area dude sees woman doing something extraordinary, heroically overcomes challenges to redirect attention to himself https://t.co/hJP90xXG82
— Beth Ethier (@missdeutsch) August 12, 2016
Same but with Hannukah gelt pic.twitter.com/GlTyzEyPYp
— Keough Novak (@KeoNovak) August 12, 2016
Our dreidel spins always get 16.000.
My pussy is MENTAL cannot wait to slap my totally OUT OF CONTROL labia onto the voting machine lever!!!! https://t.co/98gOLdqJFx
— Sara Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) August 10, 2016
If voting were this dope, more people would be voting. LABIA 4 PREZ.
if anyone is looking for an additional grandma, i just ate half a popsicle then wrapped up the rest and put it back in the freezer for later
— Samantha Morris (@samscram) August 11, 2016
Samantha is the grandma America needs.
I asked my bf to bring contraband snacks down from his office for our road trip and he brought me HEALTHY DAD SNACKS pic.twitter.com/WEgRF5IgAq
— Alana Massey (@AlanaMassey) August 12, 2016
This is grounds for divorce in most states.
I bought an old house that came with a gramophone but no matter what record I pick it plays a song called “Go Into The Furnace”-any advice?
— Me, Sarah Shockey!! (@sarahjoyshockey) August 10, 2016
Looks like you gotta go in to that furnace, bro.
Both my shampoo and conditioner ran out at the exact same time. Rare, like when a couple dies holding hands in bed after 70 yrs of marriage.
— Lauren Reeves (@laurenreeves) August 12, 2016
Rare… and beautiful.
Ugh, this election, right? So much fighting, so many awkward conversations with your cranky old relatives.
Dontcha just wish someone would write a fun song explaining how they’re voting? Ooooooh girl, do we have a sick accordion/banjo/guitar trio for you. Femmedy Trio, y’all should be on CNN.
This video is too friggin cute. Some of our fave funny and talented women of all time got together to serenade Hillary for the DNC, including America Ferrera, Jane Fonda, Mandy Moore, Julie Bowen, and of course our girl Banks. WE’RE NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING, SHUT UP.
Some weeks are lazy rivers, and some weeks are category 5 rapids. This one was the second one. Big ups to all the funny Twitterers who kept us thinkin’ and laughin’.
It’s silly to think you can’t criticize America while still loving it. I criticize the things I love the most, just ask my boyfriend.
— Mary Sasson (@marysasson) July 4, 2016
We nag because we care, Uncle Sam.
“I am a good President. I am always voting. Sometimes I don’t win and that’s okay.”
Daughter is playing with Barbies and just said this omg
— Kate Spencer (@katespencer) July 7, 2016
President Barbie sounds like a sensitive badass, plz start a write-in campaign for President Barbie.
Daddy, tell me about when grandpa was little and scaring dogs and birds day was called Independence Day?
— Alice Wetterlund (@alicewetterlund) July 4, 2016
Why do we do this to the ones we love?!?
“new foam who dis”-me trying a different body wash
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 5, 2016
This is truly the funniest body wash joke ever written.
Well… it’s official. The world is a clogged toilet at a truck stop.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 7, 2016
Gross. Gross and accurate.
As I age I see depression less as something I need to “cure” and more as something I just need to “manage.”
Ok enjoy ur movie! Theater 4 is-
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) July 5, 2016
“We need to have a talk about your employment at the Cineplex”
whoa…Applebee’s, what the heck? ur new lunch specials are bananas pic.twitter.com/9fhKOeNUOh
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) July 5, 2016
Brb, inviting our ex-boyfriends to Applebees.
Just opened my wallet & thought “whoa! Why so much cash?” It was 33 dollars.
— Megan Gailey (@megangailey) July 7, 2016
Super rich kids with nothing but loose ends/super rich kids with nothing but freelance jobs.
— Ellie Sunakawa (@elliesunakawa) July 7, 2016
We can never un-see this. But then, why would we want to?
well, DEFINITELY 10 mins before heading out is a perfect time to test out a new eyeliner, esp. when u don’t know how to wear eyeliner
— Lisa Hanawalt (@lisadraws) July 5, 2016
Sure, that plan checks out.
I’m packing up to move and I hate everyone who has ever given me any sort of possession
— Allegra Ringo (@allegraringo) July 5, 2016
How dare you show your love with gifts, you monsters?!?!?
“Make America Great Again” = “Go back to when we could murder black people without being filmed”
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) July 7, 2016
why would anyone hate sluts when we are proof that terrorism didn’t win
— Barbara Gray (@BabsGray) July 3, 2016
When the fundamentalists tell you to cover up, you KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.
— Heben Nigatu (@heavenrants) July 7, 2016