The Best Dang Tweets Of The Week

It’s the end of the week, and the good news is that if you had eye damage from the eclipse you would know it by now!

So put those healthy lil eyeballs to good use and enjoy this week’s most hilarious tweets. And don’t forget to follow these extremely funny ladies once you’re done.

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

— Jenn Quinn (@JennnQuinn) August 20, 2017

“My daddy Pennsylvania,
momma from Pennsylvania,
You mix that Pennsyl with a Vania I am from Pennylvaniaaaa” pic.twitter.com/uJZ2K9fJX7

— Marcia Belsky (@MarciaBelsky) August 25, 2017

a woman had me double bag her tampons because the bag was see thru and her husband would be embarrassed..sweetie throw the whole husband out

— queen G (@ifthehoefits) August 21, 2017

Guy on the subway cornered me & wouldn’t let me go until my “fine ass” gave my number. So I edited his mom’s contact instead.

— Heather Antos (@HeatherAntos) August 24, 2017

“…and then he stared right at the eclipse.” pic.twitter.com/tVtMZLE9t0

— Sarah Lerner (@SarahLerner) August 21, 2017

i’ll rest my bitch face when I’m dead.

— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) August 23, 2017

When a dude says I look better without makeup pic.twitter.com/0AciIuCDME

— Sam H. Escobar ? (@myhairisblue) August 23, 2017

Got kicked out of Anthropologie for asking if they carried any sizes for women who have eaten bread

— Allegra Ringo (@allegraringo) August 24, 2017

I marvel at the sheer power of Ivanka’s influence pic.twitter.com/aet7lnDjVB

— Molly (@isteintraum) August 21, 2017

I got a bunch of dental surgery and while waiting for a cab to go home a dude catcalled me so I just let a ton of blood fall out my mouth

— Best Bi™ (@UnburntWitch) August 24, 2017

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
a tiny cooler like for beer) i am never without it (it’s
my job to get it to the operating room)

— Molly Priddy (@mollypriddy) August 22, 2017

Me when I first joined twitter vs me now pic.twitter.com/LTGvGAyOIJ

— Kim (@plainhobnob) August 22, 2017

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

— madds (@whatmaddness) August 22, 2017

Welcome to your 30s. You have a favorite grocery store now.

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 22, 2017

The Very Best Tweets Of The Week

Another week, another group of funny women absolutely slaying the game in 140 characters. Truly, we are blessed to be living in the age of the internet.

Read these funny tweets, laugh so loud you freak out everyone in your office, and don’t forget to share with your friends.

She’s a freak in the sheets and lady who doesn’t give a fuck what you think of her sex life in the streets you judgmental asshole.

— Giulia Rozzi (@GiuliaRozzi) March 8, 2017

Let’s all be freaks everywhere! Let your freak bra fly!

about me pic.twitter.com/ICpEJ6o18I

— michelle (@hellgirlhoney) March 9, 2017

#relatable

new ban, who muslim?

— Ziwe (@ziwe) March 6, 2017

YOWZA could someone please send this tweet to the president, hopefully his head explodes.

Today I’m going to focus on one thing & not get overwhelmed. Although feeling overwhelmed feels like one thing so I’ll probs focus on that.

— Rose Ellen Dix ? (@RoseEllenDix) March 6, 2017

Smart!

teach a man to fish and his family will never know hunger

teach a fish to man and dear god what is that thing, what has your hubris wrought

— Mel (@MelKassel) March 6, 2017

World, may we present to you the weirdest ever tweet.

Well if you wanted to pay your $20,000 medical bills so badly then why’d you add avocado to your sandwich for $1.25

— Allegra Ringo (@allegraringo) March 8, 2017

You could have had oncological radiation but nooooo you needed avocado!

I’m not like…OTHER girls…I’m sound and fury, signifying nothing

— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) March 6, 2017

Hahaha wife me up!!!

Now that the Statue of Liberty is dark, there’s no way they’re letting her into the U.S.

— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) March 8, 2017

We nominate Amber for president of everything.

Wish more people were just like “Ya I 100% deserve this award” and then did the worm all the way off the stage.

— Nina Concepción (@ninamconcepcion) March 8, 2017

Next year’s Oscars please please make this happen!!!

CASTLE DANCE @Nick_Offerman #puzzlebush pic.twitter.com/Elwh9LKqhF

— Megan Mullally (@MeganOMullally) March 6, 2017

Love is real, love is pure.

a team of doctors and wizards is flat lining me so my soul can travel to hell and kill him again, sending him to super hell https://t.co/XEOgdLm4Mf

— Goth Ms. Frizzle (@spookperson) March 10, 2017

She’s the hero we need. She’s… The Bigot Smasher.

My baby shit six times today… oh how I envy her.

— Amanda Sitko (@AmandaSitko) March 7, 2017

Your baby seems trill as heck.

The Funniest Tweets Of The Year (So Far)

2017 has already been tumultuous as all hell, y’all. But if there’s anything to celebrate, it’s funny women doing what they do best. And plus, IT’S FRIDAY! So are we still gonna party?

no need to drop the ball tonight

2016’s done enough of that already

BA DUM TSSSSS

— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) December 31, 2016

Of all the burns on 2016, this is maybe the best one.

I want to be the one to look into Paul Ryan’s big blue eyes and tell him with absolute certainty “You will never be president.”

— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) January 6, 2017

Film it please.

Shout out to The Washington Post Express who accidentally put the MALE symbol for the WOMAN’S march on their cover today pic.twitter.com/xGS0XE8RTd

— Kimberly Betsill (@kimmybetsill) January 5, 2017

Kimberly is very funny but in this case, the original picture is the best joke of all.

I found my tenth grade English class journal, everyone pic.twitter.com/cFFqSfgLie

— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) January 3, 2017

God Mara Wilson is such a gift to the world.

feeling both good and bad about this extremely triggering collage of republicans i made https://t.co/BJFn669yue pic.twitter.com/P9siPz4iET

— Gabby Bess (@seemstween) January 6, 2017

Who knew there were so many horrible flavors of old white man?!

If you have to wait more than 20 minutes to pick up a prescription, they should hand out free samples of Xanax while you wait.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 6, 2017

Honestly every store should hand out free Xanax samples for the next four years.

End of 2016: this couldn’t get any worse
End of 2018: I’m excited to start my new position as Aryan Brood Mare! Nice sheets and xtra rations

— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) January 6, 2017

Sometimes they let us read a book that isn’t the Bible!!!

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) January 3, 2017

Who’s this narrator and is she free this weekend?

beards are just…bananas. you just grow that hair out your face! so fast! that you have to shave it! almost daily?! amazing.

— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) January 6, 2017

Me: Everyone is complaining about 2016. Luckily, I was too drunk to remember most of it.

AA: Ursula, we talked about appropriate topics.

— ?ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)? (@3sunzzz) December 31, 2016

Look if you made it through the year without a drinking problem, hats off to ya bb.

do you ever look at your cat and think “oh god you’re the cutest thing alive” and then it licks its anus while maintaining eye contact

— Scaachi (@Scaachi) January 4, 2017

Ya. ?

If I go to the bathroom without checking my phone did I even go

— Logan Guntzelman (@adirtyguntz) January 5, 2017

And how will we find boyfriends without Tindering on the toilet?!?!

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and some days I still look at him wondering if he’s ever talked to a girl.

— Not My President (@missmayn) January 3, 2017

Awwwwwwww (ok nvm it’s rad to be single honestly).

Good morning being a woman is a nightmare pic.twitter.com/8HIkgUvzOT

— Paige Weldon (@paigeweldon) January 2, 2017

Oh wow still?!?!

Immigrant parents never say they’re proud of you. You gotta eavesdrop on family phone calls just to know they’re kinda okay about you.

— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) January 4, 2017

‘Ok now take these tupperwares of food back with you to your filthy apartment’.

I would like to take this moment to announce that I, too, will not be paying for that fucken wall

— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) January 6, 2017

Yeah let’s all go on record with this.

Only acceptable thing for Hillary to do at the inauguration is steal the mic and sing “Last Midnight” from Into The Woods

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) January 4, 2017

GOD PLEASE GIVE US THIS WE’VE EARNED IT

The Funniest Dang Tweets Of The Week

Whooooooo’s ready for the weekend???

Oh thank friggin god we’re almost there. But while we wait for sweet sweet Saturday, let these funny tweets wash you away on a tide of giggles.

i regret to inform you i am exactly, unrepentantly like the other girls

— jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) October 6, 2016

No need to repent for perfection.

my neck
my back
my inability to pick up on basic social cues

— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) October 6, 2016

LICK MY P – oh sorry yeah this one is more relatable.

Is the sequel ever as good as the original ? pic.twitter.com/ys5gNc0HkU

— DeeEmmElms CaliStyle (@d_m_elms) October 6, 2016

Oh shit. OH SHIT.

Thought I was a cool friend until I almost made a “talking points” list in my notes app for this hang tonight.

— Beth Alexandroff (@bethalexandroff) October 1, 2016

Hahahah yeah our social anxiety is fun and trendy now, right guys? Guys?

Mike Pence looks like he’s killed a man with a hammer; Tim Kaine looks like he’s lost all of his money buying magic beans

— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) October 5, 2016

This is a devastatingly accurate synopsis of the debate, MSNBC please hire her.

Is there a real difference between jogging and trying not to get hit by a car?

— Brittany (@Brittacus) October 3, 2016

Jogging you wear a cute sweatband.

Q. What is your experience as a woman film critic?
A. pic.twitter.com/cTOe6P9gli

— Alex Heller-Nicholas (@suspirialex) October 6, 2016

Yet another way internet trolls are like horrible movie monsters.

“Mom. Can you come pick me up? I don’t feel good, my stomach hurts. I KNOW it’s 2:30am. Just come get me. I don’t like it here” – Ted Cruz pic.twitter.com/mMvFykEdiR

— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) October 6, 2016

Honestly our hearts ache for little Teddy all the dang time.

BEWARE OF PPLS INSTAGRAM STORIES THAT LOOK LIKE THIS:
———————————

— AWKWAFINA (@awkwafina) October 3, 2016

You ? Don’t? Need? 15? Different? Stories ?

Everyone knows horses are just fuckable cows.

— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) October 1, 2016

This is a very upsetting tweet that is also very correct. Now bring us a horse so we can touch it’s soft mane.

Admit it, we’ve all been one carb short of murder.

— Lacey Nycole (@LaceyNycole) October 3, 2016

Office bagels = us not going Bobbitt on everyone.

no thank you Juliet was an idiot and so was her boyfriend https://t.co/XO1qJawdEF

— farwz (@farwzaz) October 5, 2016

HOT DAMN if all literary criticism was this salty we’d all be professors.

“My greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.” – Kanye West, also me

— Heben Nigatu (@heavenrants) October 7, 2016

We’re actually sad for Heben come to think of this.

Or you could just stop wearing a possessed bikini? pic.twitter.com/ogW3bXOIbk

— Vanessa Bayer (@vanessabayer) October 7, 2016

But it was on saaaaaaaale ?

Had an important meeting yesterday, but the person I was meeting hugged me in the lobby & it stopped feeling important.

— Bridgid Ryan (@bridgidry) October 5, 2016

How did it turn out though Bridgid we need to know!?!?!

Dear Lord, may I one day have the confidence of Rihanna walking out of restaurants with full wine glasses. Amen.

— Nina Concepción (@ninamconcepcion) October 7, 2016

New bedtime prayer.

In retrospect, I would be livid if somebody told me a song was going to change my life and then played me The Shins.

— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) October 6, 2016

Ugh can you even imagine? Zach Braff is basic af.

ME
(crying) She was just waiting with flowers and then she saw Ross get off the plane with Julie.

NURSE
(writing) Currently menstruating.

— Mel Gabor (@melgabored) October 3, 2016

How dare you! But also yes correct. But also please hold me.

I love making older white men mad by telling them I hate Billy Joel. #JustTheWayYouAreIsAwful

— LADYBIRDJ (@ladybirdj) October 6, 2016

Let’s be frank, making older white men mad is the greatest sport of all.

I spend half my life watching gifs over and over going, “There’s no way their mouths are saying the words in the caption.”

— erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) October 5, 2016

YES YES FINALLY SOMEONE SAID IT!!!

The Funniest Damn Tweets Of The Week

Ok so the world is 90% garbage. But sometimes to keep going you just gotta take a deep breath, laugh a loud laugh, and watch a corgi shaking its weird butt.

May these tweets make it all seem a little more tolerable, bbs.

where is the gwyneth paltrow remix of “i hit it first” pic.twitter.com/rOJBYEUkED

— #BrittanySpanos (@ohheybrittany) September 20, 2016

On the one hand it’s mean to celebrate the end of a relationship, on the other hand THIS TWEET THO.

“I love Fall!” = “I can gain weight and hide it under layers of clothes!” #FirstDayofFall

— Gennefer Gross (@Gennefer) September 22, 2016

Pumpkin Spice Latte season is also Eat An Entire Medium Pizza Alone season.

Apparently, Tinder isn’t a food delivery service so my apologies to all the guys who showed up wanting to put things in my mouth.

— ? (@Sassafrantz) September 19, 2016

— ? (@Sassafrantz) September 21, 2016

THAT FIRE EMOJI IS FOR REAL.

My inspirational quotes business is booming. Go fund me coming soon. pic.twitter.com/zPL6iGyjPW

— Megan Gailey (@megangailey) September 23, 2016

We’d buy the shit out of this on Etsy.

Man, I thought karaoke was embarrassing, then publicly lip syncing became a thing

— Lauren Lapkus (@laurenlapkus) September 23, 2016

Turns out modern life is just one big cringe.

DESCRIBE YOURSELF IN THREE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS: MAN VS MAN, MAN VS NATURE, MAN VS SELF

— Lindsay Pavlas ? (@LindsayPavlas) September 22, 2016

Congratulations are in order to Ms Pavlas for winning the internet.

just don’t rape anyone.

— How To Not Rape (@howtonotrape) September 20, 2016

Wow @kmay with the helpful advice.

when u fall out with ur best friend pic.twitter.com/K9ibO7tuIH

— jasmine ?☁️? (@jasmineeec) September 23, 2016

What store is this, we need this item badly.

Why does every pepper grinder look like a steampunk penis? pic.twitter.com/kjXQFj7h12

— Amanda (@Manda_like_wine) September 20, 2016

This has us crying. Cryyyiiiiing.

Him: I think you’re pretty.

Me: *flips table* THINK? You don’t KNOW?

Him:

Me: Sorry, dude. I only had 4 hot dogs today.

— Jedi Cheesy Grits (@JediGigi) September 16, 2016

Omg someone please get this poor child 7 more hot dogs stat.

My patronus is one of those pigeons that’s stuck inside the mall.

— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) September 22, 2016

‘Oh don’t mind me, I’ll just be over here DYING IN THIS MALL’

I wonder if any talk show hosts rubbed Hitler’s hair?

— Jena Friedman (@JenaFriedman) September 16, 2016

No but US newspapers did enjoy talking about how calm the traffic was in Nazi Germany, so that’s not great.

“I heard the line he just used on you, we have a booth, come sit with us” pic.twitter.com/4GhiqZZCYz

— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 17, 2016

Lol forever at dudes who think women are ‘catty’, honestly.

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) September 23, 2016

Ah yes, how fine it would be to be in Merrye Oldye Englandeeeee.

cant believe all my exes got together for lunch pic.twitter.com/wU87olgGtj

— jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) September 23, 2016

Stop. Read this joke again. It’s perfect.

Made it to the weekend like pic.twitter.com/AE3TGmSSNu

— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 23, 2016

Hell yeah little baby, you werk for the weekend!!!

Weekly Roundup of the Funniest Freakin Tweets

Don’t mind us, we’re just sitting here pondering why Friday afternoons go like 649 times slower than every other day…

While you wait for the weekend to fiiiinally kick off, enjoy these fresh n tasty tweets from funny women!

if you die in the magic school bus, you die in real life

— Anne Lane (@AnnieLLane) September 14, 2016

This is one gritty reboot we would absolutely see.

MOVE OVER, BREXIT https://t.co/R2d0QXqRZL

— jennifer laughran (@literaticat) September 14, 2016

HEART. BROKEN.

I want to be an emotional support person for a dog because a) dog & b) smart little vest

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 14, 2016

Where oh where is the anxious Frenchie who needs us???

Worried this guy thinks his vanity plate reads as “I sued.” When all I see is “I sharted.” pic.twitter.com/JKqdhMzOOn

— Lauren Reeves (@laurenreeves) September 15, 2016

The tale of DMVs greatest revenge against rich assholes.

My greatest strength is negative self-talk. My greatest weakness is that I’m a stupid loser

— Allegra Ringo (@allegraringo) September 13, 2016

An unexamined life… sounds really restful right about now actually.

When your pizza delivery guy asks ‘This all for you?’ pic.twitter.com/ZkpC0sZk55

— Zelda Williams (@zeldawilliams) September 13, 2016

Scuse you, it’s also for my very real and totally existing boyfriend.

Yeshua: My father has decided my fate is to die and you will make it happen
Judas: YOU NEVER EVEN MET YOUR FATHER FAM! WYD?

— I Will Block Ya Mama (@FeministaJones) September 15, 2016

Seriously this whole series of Jesus/Judas tweets is pure ???

Pretty excited for the next time I get to lie down!

— Paige Weldon (@paigeweldon) September 12, 2016

It’s like Christmas for adults!!

Gonna get myself in-n-out for being so patient for my audition. Sometimes u gotta be ur own stage mom

— Connieshin (@thatconnieshin) September 15, 2016

Wow that’s actually kind of beautiful, Connie plz write a self-help book.

700 POINT FONT: HILLARY CLINTON BURPED & A LITTLE THROW UP CAME UP

7 point font: Trump burped and a centipede crawled out his mouth

— Sara Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) September 11, 2016

This joke is DEEPLY upsetting but also 100% accurate.

Gaslighting. pic.twitter.com/SPDTWgFfIy

— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) September 12, 2016

Oh damn, gotta show this tweet to all our ex-boyfriends.

“BEEEEEYOOOONNCEEEEEEEEEE”
“Girl the concert is over, let’s go” pic.twitter.com/TVfoBBBYWy

— Babs Bunnie (@HollyGoNightly1) September 15, 2016

THE CONCERT IS NEVER OVER IN OUR HEARTS OK??? #flawless

[Interview]
“It says here you like to argue.”
Me: *says nothing*
“Is that true?”
Me: *says nothing*
“What’s your problem?”
Me: Here we go!

— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 9, 2016

Don’t be fooled – this is the perfect interview power play.

she is trying to murder the rain pic.twitter.com/lvMOgiqcgR

— grace spelman (@GraceSpelman) September 14, 2016

Woah wait we just realized that cats are trying to non-stop murder everything they like.

The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing you they unfollowed because you spoke hard truths and not because you’re boring.

— A Lunar Massacre (@AlanaMassey) September 14, 2016

But no, by all means, more hot takes on movies from 2005 please.

You Are Going To Fucking Soil Yourself When You Find Out This Is Butter™

— Paige (@PeachCoffin) September 12, 2016

When one door closes and another door opens you should call 911 because someone is breaking into your house.

— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) September 14, 2016

Oh God nooooooo!!!

Both Channing Tatum and @DaRealAmberRose used to strip. only 1 of them is persistently called “former stripper.” ?https://t.co/iSG1cxgfBU

— mehera bonner (@meherbear) September 14, 2016

The best thing we can all do for feminism is to start calling him ‘reformed stripper Channing Tatum’ all the time.