Do you know what day it is today?!
IT’S FRIDAY Y’ALL.
If you’re like us, you’re salivating at the thought of the weekend like it’s a tri-tip steak, or tofu if you’re vegan. To welcome in the beautiful/glorious/wonderful weekend, here are the funniest fucking tweets from this week.
u think I care Ikea meatballs use horse meat???? ill eat a horse, I don’t give a fuck!! horses are just sexy cows, dawg
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 8, 2016
When it comes down to it I honestly think the number 1 quality a man wants in a woman is “chill.” And therefore I am “fucked.”
— erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) April 8, 2016
We completely relate to this.
Slowly sneaking fiber into my roommate’s diet so he’ll stay out of the damn bathroom.
— Ali Spagnola (@alispagnola) April 8, 2016
The fine work of an evil genius.
when you look in the mirror and you don’t look as ugly as you thought pic.twitter.com/p3X7I8rHrr
— Nina Concepción (@ninamconcepcion) April 8, 2016
Feelin’ like Beyoncé.
Going through a man’s stomach is a VERY indirect route to his heart. I recommend going through his chest wall and the 5th and 6th ribs.
— Gwen (@msgwenl) April 7, 2016
leaving work on a friday like pic.twitter.com/Kk06FyCriv
— Ellie Sunakawa (@elliesunakawa) April 8, 2016
Cheers to the freakin’ weekend.
The way I act when I drive by a cop, you would think I had a body bag in my trunk and not a bag of clothes I’ve been meaning to donate.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 8, 2016
Us every time.
But more importantly, which male comedians are plus sized?
— Jena Friedman (@JenaFriedman) April 8, 2016
RIGHT? Seriously, let’s see a listicle of this.
Canceling plans pic.twitter.com/ZQekCo5FPX
— TaylorAileenHarrison (@goldieharrison) April 1, 2016
Nothing feels better than canceling plans. NOTHING.
The weirdest time in American history was when we thought we needed all that chicken soup for all of our souls.
— Susie Meister (@susie_meister) April 7, 2016
We really did believe our souls loved chicken soup.
Just saw a corgi run to scare a bunch of pigeons and now I know what it feels like to be crowned Miss America.
— Aidy Bryant (@aidybryant) April 8, 2016
Imagine the pitch meeting for Look Who’s Talking:
“So Kirstie Allie, John Travolta.”
“And a baby.”
“Voiced by Bruce Willis.”
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) April 8, 2016
You know, just typical Hollywood talk.
When I die I hope I don’t become a ghost because that just sounds like another job to me, man.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) April 8, 2016
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
— Jess (@jessokfine) April 5, 2016
Guys are always eating trees….can they not?
Twitter life cycle:
1. Join Twitter
2. Tweet serious, highbrow things
3. Get way less serious
4. Dick jokes
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) April 5, 2016
This is like the 2016 version of what Mufasa would say to Simba.
*continues walking in same direction as you*
*goes home with you*
*lives life with you*
*grows old, dies with you*
— Courtney Bae-l (@CourtneyBale) April 4, 2016
This sounds like the plot of a beautiful love story.
shoutout to possibly the most ineffectual blur of all time pic.twitter.com/h6soRMkxX2
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) April 8, 2016
Eminem wishes you a very happy Friday!
Featured image via.