The Greatest Tweets Of The Whole Week

Or should we say the spookiest tweets of the whole creeeeaaaak????

No, no one should say that because it’s a very bad joke. But cut us some slack, we’re excited that Halloween is almost here!! While we wait on pins and needles (ouch!) let’s all share these magnificent tweets.

One cool thing about being a woman is that whenever I am doing any task, people assume I am struggling with that task

— Paige Weldon (@paigeweldon) October 21, 2016

Not sure how men think we survive the world?

moment of silence for the thousands of college women sitting in dorm rooms right now being forced to listen to some dude play “wonderwall”

— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) October 26, 2016

Raise a glass to our fallen comrades. May your bi-curious phase come quickly.

My body is ready for winter pic.twitter.com/LSJ7XIsWce

— Amy, but dead (@amy_wood) October 27, 2016

Can we get this picture as a tattoo?

More like Georgia O’Queef! Up top. pic.twitter.com/KfYZYiz6qB

— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 25, 2016

No one high five her for this.

My supervillian origin story began when he didn’t text back.

— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) October 24, 2016

Cannot WAIT to see this Marvel adaptation on Netflix.

Even the pups are getting in on the #DollyHalloween spirit! pic.twitter.com/McJfYe13E0

— Dolly Parton (@DollyParton) October 27, 2016

May Dolly bless and keep you in this, the holiday season.

I find “no DMs” in a bio to be awfully presumptuous.

— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) October 25, 2016

‘Scuse you, maybe we don’t want to slide into your business!

There is not a single accurate response for this search term. pic.twitter.com/XEtAcFnObq

— Meg Favreau (@megfavreau) October 25, 2016

INSULTING!

As a child I was afraid of spiders, snakes and scary movies, now kids get to fear cool things like ISIS, gluten and their local congressman.

— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) October 26, 2016

Honestly kids are shockingly tough these days, shoutout to all the brave babies.

I love how Hillary is trying to abort this baby with her mind and is having trouble smiling cuz she’s jonesing to start a war! pic.twitter.com/ALn3yzE9Ci

— Jen Nasty Kirkwoman (@JenKirkman) October 27, 2016

CLASSIC CROOKED HILLARY.

Every white guy in Brooklyn looks like a fucking rock critic& every white woman looks like someone he’d fawningly refer to as a “songstress”

— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) October 25, 2016

Plz travel channel give Megan Koester a show.

My preferred birth control: pic.twitter.com/c3ayEfizVC

— Beth Alexandroff (@bethalexandroff) October 26, 2016

America’s two favorite pastimes in one!

when you wake up and see drunk texts to your ex pic.twitter.com/1rjIVuQOoL

— ? (@Sassafrantz) October 23, 2016

????

TERRIFYING HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEA: Chatty Uber driver

— Ali Spagnola (@alispagnola) October 26, 2016

AAAAAAH TOO SPOOKY NO THANKS

the best part in every movie is when the main girl realizes she’s a witch and walks down the school hallway in slow motion

— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) October 25, 2016

SOBBING

Welp, looks like my dreams of becoming a teenage Vine star have been shot to shit. Thanks a lot, Obama.

— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) October 27, 2016

The ghost of Vine is gonna be the best costume of this Halloween season, mark our words.

Weekly Roundup Of The Funniest Tweets

IT’S FRIDAY! YAAAAS.

marital status: has seen every episode of law & order: svu more than once

— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) June 2, 2016

SWIPE RIGHT

you can’t shame me; i paid money to own the song Hey Soul Sister

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) June 1, 2016

Def not here for the Train shaming.

So sorry I’m late, it’s just that I’ve never been on time to anything in my whole life

— Paige Weldon (@paigeweldon) June 1, 2016

Honestly, what would it even feel like to be on time to something?

Realizing I’m past the age where I can listen to punk rock while eating without getting extremely stressed.

— Rhea Butcher (@RheaButcher) June 2, 2016

As we go on/we remember/all the times we/had together…

when you see a couple jogging pic.twitter.com/Lj6d6mNzOJ

— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) June 2, 2016

What are they trying to prove?!??!

Anyone who hasn’t ❤️ed my selfies actually ❤️s them in their ❤️ but is trying to lay low & not be creepy

— dr. dalia ☥ (@DALIAMALEK) May 30, 2016

Tbh this is the kind of self confidence with which we should all be living our lives.

it’s important for you to know that I have 16 signature scents

— victoria (@theblowout) June 1, 2016

Highly important news update.

When did “looking down with your eyes bashfully closed” become the new duckface? Did that memo go to my old address?

— Emily V Gordon (@thegynomite) June 2, 2016

Oh we can forward that memo to you, all the Insta models got it.

I’m not like…OTHER girls. I’m an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys.

— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) May 28, 2016

Manic pixie dream machine.

my mom is my best audience pic.twitter.com/2bJe7w82Bh

— Grace (@GraceSpelman) June 2, 2016

Lucky!

Twitter should be called TellWomen dot com.

— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 2, 2016

‘Actually’… ?

Weird that New Yorkers shit on LA for not having seasons when theirs are Autumn, Arctic Wetlands, 48 Hour Spring, and Hot Garbage.

— Mel Gabor (@melgabored) June 2, 2016

Yeah but at least during Arctic Wetlands you get to wear this totally adorbs parka from H&M!

In a world full of princesses, be a hot dog

— Amber Kenny (@amber_kenny) May 29, 2016

Delicious and phallic?

Summer is
Baseball
Flip flops
Clarinet solos
Rusty nails
Unsolvable homicides
Bird mites
Swimsuits

— beige queen (@ladybroseph) May 3, 2014

Ahhhhh the pleasures of June…

How to look hotter in photos: set yourself on fire.

— Alison Stevenson (@JustAboutGlad) May 29, 2016

Is it bad to ask a firefighter to take a profile pic?

Name brands really are better. For instance, I just found out that the Tide pen works MUCH better on stains than regular pens

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) June 1, 2016

Who knew??

Weekly Roundup Of The Funniest F*cking Tweets

Elizabeth Banks' Whohaha-Michelle Obama Laughing

We’re back this week with the funniest f*cking tweets and we can barely control the little tears streaming out of the corner of our eyes. If you aren’t following these queens and liking their tweets, you need to get on that ASAP!

My feelings about Harry Potter can best be described as witchful thinking. You’re welcome.

— erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) January 22, 2016

Sex with Hugh Hefner must be like watching someone try to puncture a Capri Sun pouch with an earthworm. — Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) January 22, 2016

I used to think it was cute when kids say they want to be president but now I lean really close and whisper “Stay away from my family.”

— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) January 22, 2016

75% of traffic in LA is from people on their way to do a podcast. — Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) January 22, 2016

I always root for Mark Ruffalo even if Mark Ruffalo isn’t in the movie

— Desiree Echevarria (@IfYouSeeDesiree) January 4, 2015

I would be mortified if my kid said fudge instead of fuck. — Stephanie Allynne (@StephAllynne) January 22, 2016

Talk to the hand. Because this is The Addams Family and we take care of each other and Thing is very sad.

— Rhea Butcher (@RheaButcher) January 22, 2016

When your friend offers to set you up with a grown man who looks like Jonathan Lipnicki. pic.twitter.com/TfVi7FmegG — TaylorAileenHarrison (@goldieharrison) January 22, 2016

I’m starting to think I wasn’t cast in Grease Live :/ — Megan Amram (@meganamram) January 22, 2016

When Trump is president he’s gonna outlaw baby carrots out of penis envy.

— LBJohnson (@ladybirdj) January 21, 2016

New phrase:”This drink tastes like high school.” Meaning: it’s not what you wanted but you drink it anyway because your options are limited. — Beth Stelling (@BethStelling) January 22, 2016

Featured image via.