Slumber Party Bummer

Shoutout to all the teenage girls with so much anxiety about the state of the world that they can’t even enjoy a damn sleepover. Not saying that was us ten years ago, not saying it wasn’t! Ashleigh Stanczak’s sketch really captures the giggles and horror of a slumber party.

When Everything’s A Shooting

This sketch is so funny it makes us want to hide under our blankets and sob for the rest of the afternoon. Which is probably what good satire should do? Writer Kerry McGuire and director David Zwick imagined how we’re all going to live a couple years from now when mass shootings are just another fact of life, like rain or traffic or the sheer mind-numbing terror of not knowing if your loved ones are going to come home safe at the end of the day. Y’know, the usual.

Weekly Roundup of the Funniest Damn Tweets

THANK GILDA IT’S FRIDAY!!!!

While we wait for the weekend to really start, shall we enjoy some top quality funny tweets together? Let’s.

friend: how are things?

me: things are good!

narrator: things were not good

— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) August 25, 2016

We all heard that in the Arrested Development voice, yeah?

me on twitter pic.twitter.com/DiRyHSsflS

— Xena WorrierPrincess (@marianbull) August 25, 2016

Behold the art of subtlety.

As an adopted person and about to be 30, I firmly believe I will awake to a man in a tux saying my birthparents have left me $10,000,000.

— Beth Alexandroff (@bethalexandroff) August 25, 2016

We want this for you so so bad oh wow.

This is the code I try to follow. Sometimes I forget not everybody else does. pic.twitter.com/9k1ZkzdpDo

— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) August 23, 2016

Everyone be more like Mara Wilson. Except Mara Wilson, you can stay the way you are.

Idk saying you’re not a feminist in 2016 is like saying you’re pro-segregation in 1980 like dawg you missed the boat.

— Katelyn H (@KatelynUrFriend) August 24, 2016

⛵️??

“I have coupons but I left them at home” pic.twitter.com/AZ55CLKfCg

— space bitch (@floskii) August 21, 2016

If only we could reply with more gifs in our nightmare retail jobs.

HOLY SHIT you guys, go to https://t.co/u4Qy8aSXkv and consequently BOW DOWN before Hilary’s web people.

— Cherie Priest (@cmpriest) August 24, 2016

*rubbing eyes with amazement and wonder*

It’s only once you’re a little older and wiser that you realize the “one that got away” was a jean jacket you left at a guy’s house in 2003.

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) August 23, 2016

Still have dreams about that jacket tbh.

Math problem:
Q: Eden has 10 frozen pizzas. She eats 8. What does she have now?

A: Depression. Eden has depression.

— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) August 23, 2016

And also two pizzas!

Just doing some film criticism/political commentary: pic.twitter.com/V8P6P4H9RY

— Abbey Bender (@Abbey_Bender) August 22, 2016

Wow wow makes u think. #bringbackthecolorofnight

the only text I ever want to receive tbh pic.twitter.com/MoV4l5Fr5U

— carly usdin (@carlytron) August 23, 2016

Hold on to that friend and never let go, Carly!!!

Stop pretending Cinderella had a happy ending. She ended up with a guy who threw a party so women could audition to be his wife.

— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) August 20, 2016

Charming might as well have had a bathing suit competition. SMDH.

Emotional Intimacy: pic.twitter.com/vKAYQQV4i1

— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) August 23, 2016

Dead. On.

In case ur wondering if sexism is real, we say “leaked nudes” instead of “stolen property.”

— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) August 25, 2016

Yeah team everybody to go Leslie Jones’ Twitter and tweet her some love, ok??? We have to take care of each other.

loving frank ocean’s hot boring film dude sensibilities

— black frances ha (@imbobswaget) August 23, 2016

Worth the wait, but also worth making fun of.

Stranger: “I really like your shoes!”

Me for the rest of the day: pic.twitter.com/GBMlmP7TeT

— Ashlyn Shawver (@Ashlynshawver) August 23, 2016

Strut, mama, strut.

“I’d pick your brains if it weren’t such slim pickings”

– Zombie Oscar Wilde

— batkaren (@batkaren) August 24, 2016

This joke just made us 20% smarter, thank you.

When you’re trying to do you and tweet but annoying boys are all up in your mentions. pic.twitter.com/zHWk73mqnc

— a girl is no one (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 24, 2016

Need we remind you tools that kitty got claws???