Weekly Roundup Of The Funniest Tweets

ER MER GERD – IT’S FRIDAY.

You made it through another week, so treat yourself to this list of the funniest tweets from this week!

Just waiting for a mediocre NBA player to come and sweep me off my feet!

— Megan Gailey (@megangailey) April 22, 2016

Aren’t we all?!

PROTIP: You don’t even have to have anything playing in the headphones to get people to stop talking to you.

— Ali Spagnola (@alispagnola) April 22, 2016

Very true.

This detox tea tastes like I’d rather choke on a donut.

— Lacey Nycole (@LaceyNycole) April 22, 2016

Choking on a donut>better than most things.

would you rather: lick a public toilet, or be a woman walking down the street & taking public transpo without a pair of headphones

— Tracy Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) April 22, 2016

Toilet’s aren’t as dirty as we think, right?

A police dog had to sniff my bag but it was a puppy so I wasn’t even worried cause it’s probably not good at its job yet.

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) April 21, 2016

Give it a few more years.

less nude beaches, more nude libraries and diners

— Li’l Edie Pentland (@JennyPentland) April 21, 2016

YAAAAAS!

prince made it chill to be horny and weird, which is a huge gift because literally everyone is both

— monica heisey (@monicaheisey) April 21, 2016

He was truly a legend.

Nothing gets me harder than referring to Tom Cruise’s character as Mission Impossible & waiting for someone to correct me.

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) April 21, 2016

That’s literally the name of every one of his characters, right? Just “Mission Impossible.” Mish Imposs for short.

I really want to go to that Game of Thrones temple of dead people’s faces and just kinda poke around for a while

— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) April 20, 2016

You aren’t alone.

lookin cute will travel 4 compliments where my crushes at drop a pin

— Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) April 20, 2016

Where all the cuties at?!

Any day can be 420 if you eat like crap and have no idea what the hell is going on

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) April 20, 2016

Happy Holidaze.

Sometimes I just take Wednesday and Thursday off from being a person.

— Stephanie Mickus (@smickable) April 20, 2016

And Monday and Tuesday and Friday…

Old man: You have a beautiful smile
Me: No shit

— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) April 18, 2016

*snaps*

I’m finally the age where I’m emotionally strong enough to ask a middle school boy to slow dance

— Laura Willcox (@Laura_Willcox) April 18, 2016

Honestly, still pretty terrifying.

Mother Earth is great but she’d be prettier if she smiled more and lost the baby weight.

— Twitnter is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) April 22, 2016

Otherwise she has no worth!

it’s so hard to feel good about myself when my eyebrows aren’t done

— farwz (@farwzaz) April 22, 2016

The truest statement. Brows=everything.

Early on in a relationship it’s important to be honest with the other person and establish that you quite literally have no flaws.

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) April 22, 2016

YEP. We are perfect, flawless creatures.

I found a spider in my kitchen so now I live w my neighbors this is my new house please let my son know where I am.

— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) April 22, 2016

Reasons to pick up and flee: spiders, spiders, and spiders.