OH MY GOD, IT’S THE END OF THE WEEK.
We’re so excited we decided to serve you up another hot, steamin’ plate of funny f*cking tweets. Kick off the weekend the right way – by laughing at your phone-screen. (Human interaction is overrated).
I’m all alone in a strange house and just got scared thinking about the Zodiac Killer. That being said, I would vote for him over Ted Cruz.
— Jena Friedman (@JenaFriedman) February 26, 2016
a dog I don’t know just wandered into my apartment and it made me happier than a decade of Christmas mornings — Anne Lane (@AnnieLLane) February 26, 2016
Dogs > everything.
Watching the debate highlights like pic.twitter.com/1O6r1dU1fh
— LBJohnson (@ladybirdj) February 26, 2016
What the fuck is my neighbor doing? Oh, God. He saw me take this photo and now he disappeared. pic.twitter.com/uAlLrEc9R6 — Scout Durwood (@scoutdurwood) February 26, 2016
Dead. Truly dead at this entire thing.
I’d rather let Wesley Snipes file my taxes than go to Coachella.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) February 26, 2016
YIKES – but true.
It doesn’t matter if the answer to my problems isn’t at the bottom of this jar of cashew butter. It’s only important that I try to find it. — Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 25, 2016
Persistence wears down resistance.
I am fine with not knowing what “shiver me timbers” means.
— Julia Segal (@juliasegal) February 25, 2016
makin birthday plans pic.twitter.com/gySEw5CCjM
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) February 25, 2016
OH MY GOD, YES.
I still think about that owl lamp in Steven Avery’s mother’s house in Making a Murderer. — Julie Brister (@bristahsouljah) February 25, 2016
my favorite hobby is having all my texts ignored and stressing over it until someone answers me
— farwz (@farwzaz) February 25, 2016
A tweet that defines a generation.
when celebrities give advice 2 their younger selves like “relax things will work out as they should” it’s like yeah bitch you’re a celebrity — Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) February 25, 2016
Just a few bad days away from calling improv an “art form” and myself a “story teller.”
— Marcy Jarreau (@MarcyLane) February 25, 2016
Replying to tweets after 2am? Must be depression. ?? — Marcy Jarreau (@MarcyLane) February 23, 2016
If cooking shows have taught me anything, it’s that there’s probably a lot of sweat in our restaurant food.
— Mary Sasson (@marysasson) February 25, 2016
Be right back, gonna vom.
It’s sucks that by the time you know how to handle elementary school bullies, it’s inappropriate to do so, or so they keep telling me.
— Mary Sasson (@marysasson) February 20, 2016
It’s never too late to confront your bullies.
Featured image via.