IT’S LABOR DAY WEEKEND BABYYYY!!
Our hearts are with people working on Monday. Let these funny tweets ease the pain of a regular weekend, and/or bring joy to your vacay.
Send me your teeth and I’ll send you my nudes
— Baby Swayze (@buhsbaby_baby) August 31, 2016
Thank you so so much for writing our new Tinder bio.
TRUMP: “Who pays for the wall? We didn’t discuss that.”
Dude, that’s like your whole deal.
— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) August 31, 2016
What did they even talk about, sports? Snorkeling???
I was raised by two women (Wednesday Addams and Buffy Summers)
— Anne Lane (@AnnieLLane) August 28, 2016
People with two moms turn out better, and that’s a fact.
I would respect it so much if someone would make a public announcement admitting that whole chip on your ATM card concept was a total lemon
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) September 1, 2016
Look it was a good concept, but sometimes you need to give up on a dream.
If Facebook Was Real
me: cool shirt Brian
[hours later, a knock at my door]
me: um yes?
Brian’s Mom: I also like that shirt
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) August 29, 2016
Brian’s Mom seems cool.
93% of being a woman is just playing through the pain
— Aminatou Sow (@aminatou) August 31, 2016
Hahahhahah oh wait this one is just true.
Umm, I’ve been part of the “no makeup movement” for years. It’s called “being lazy.”
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) September 2, 2016
The next time a man approaches me “just to talk,” we’re talking for 4 hrs. You want to make a new friend? Sit the fuck down; we aren’t done.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) August 31, 2016
You dinguses invented the ‘friend zone’, about time you learn to actually be a friend.
getty images stock video “beautiful young woman counting” is my favorite movie of all time pic.twitter.com/h5kHisAu8T
— taint zooms (@hunktears) August 29, 2016
Better than friggin Thor 4 or whatever.
“I want to share the fun of a hat which has given my family laughter and joy for 20 years.” MY HEART https://t.co/tJrDgXKlbC
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) August 31, 2016
Srsly did we all just find the internet’s only good old white man?
I didn’t mean to kill him, your honor. He started a PowerPoint presentation and I meant to kill myself but missed.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) September 1, 2016
Him: ‘And now for this 15 point slide illustrated by a stock photo of a dog’
Us: *chugging poison*
I literally have a lemon that’s been in my fridge longer than Brock Turner has been in jail for raping an unconscious woman.
— Marlena Bittner (@lenabitts) August 30, 2016
THAT LEMON IS A BETTER PERSON THAN EVERY RAPIST.
I’m the only person who can tell you the right way to grieve.
— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) August 29, 2016
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Shelby.
It’s too late to start a movie *watches 9 straight hours of TV*
— Allegra Ringo (@allegraringo) August 29, 2016
That’s just a smart use of time tho.
Hillary & Huma watching Beyonce at the #vmas, a sea of NY Posts scattered at their feet.
Hillary whispers: “It’s time.”
— Kate Spencer (@katespencer) August 29, 2016
Please please someone in Hollywood make this movie, we are begging over here.
Work is a lot like school except instead of graduating, you die.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 1, 2016
At least after you die no one will pressure you to go to grad school.
i tried taking a cool pic but pic.twitter.com/Jbksm8YgKX
— trish (@kyotorichi) September 1, 2016
This bird is our intern now.
when you have to pretend to like the too-strong drink your friend fixed for you pic.twitter.com/WSBVTGGrqI
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) August 31, 2016
That’s that pre-regret face right there.
do you think willem dafoe has a nicer brother named willem dafriend
— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) August 31, 2016
See, this is the kind of humor we can get behind.
GUYS, THE WORLD IS A FUCKING TRASH FIRE RIGHT NOW. LET PEOPLE WHO WANT PUMPKIN SPICE LATTES AND CANDY CORN HAVE WHATEVER JOY THEY CAN FIND.
— Suzan Eraslan (@SuzanEraslan) September 1, 2016
There are entire religions based on worse advice. Good job Suzan.