IT’S THE WEEKEND LET’S PARTY!!!
But first! The finest, freshest, saltiest tweets of the whole wide week.
Love is finding an emergency contact you can have sex with
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) September 30, 2016
This is the only good dating advice anyone’s ever written.
Trying to think of a classy way to work one of my favorite rap lines, “ambition makes me so horny,” into my wedding vows.
— Mary Sasson (@marysasson) September 29, 2016
This is so fucking tight please invite us to your wedding.
Having a newborn is like having a tiny, screaming Patrick Stewart doll.
— The Ugly Volvo (@theuglyvolvo) September 29, 2016
‘You’ll understand when you have kids’, she said over Captain Picard’s sonorous yells.
Just Because I Frequently Tweet About Being Horny Doesn’t Mean I Want to Fuck You, Internet Stranger: A Memoir
— Alison Stevenson (@JustAboutGlad) September 29, 2016
Or just put this on our gravestones.
Literally the only accurate thing Trump has said tonight is that LaGuardia is not a good airport
— Ali V. (@alivingiano) September 27, 2016
Even the fact checkers couldn’t deny this one!
find someone who looks at you the way princess charlotte looks at balloons pic.twitter.com/ATzIzri6nw
— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) September 29, 2016
Some storybook fairytale romance type shit.
Ms. Tina really gave us Beyonce & Solange. We don’t thank her enough. Her womb is blessed.
— YEMI (@yemi_isms) September 30, 2016
Go listen to A Seat At The Table and then tell us you don’t believe that some wombs are just magic.
[on a date]
Him: so what hobbies do you enjoy?
[me caught sucking the caramel out of the middle of a piece of chocolate]
— Felix Felicis (@LuckoftheDraw86) September 30, 2016
Dating < candy.
Is this pull quote from:
A. An unfuckable 19-year-old Midwestern Redditor
B. Irrelevant former auteur Oliver Stone
(ANSWER: C) pic.twitter.com/DnVHxFpY9L
— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) September 29, 2016
This quiz made us sad ?
Never having to think about race is a major privilege of whiteness. Then suddenly you’re 60, someone asks you about diversity & you’re like pic.twitter.com/MuwViCKq67
— wikipedia brown (@eveewing) September 29, 2016
Omg did she just explain America?
— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) September 29, 2016
This is ABSOLUTELY worth 33 cents on the dollar.
Press release of the day. pic.twitter.com/o7r3azowX9
— Ana Marie Cox (@anamariecox) September 29, 2016
Don’t tell me I have commitment issues, I take vitamins three times a day.
— LTB (@_Tempo11) September 25, 2016
Committed to shiny hair and strong nails! (haha who needs a boyfriend)
Am I more financially stable than I was five years ago? No. But am I happier? Also no. Wait
— Courtney Nunes (@courtney_nunes) September 27, 2016
But have I learned a lot of valuable – oh nooooo.
This Taiwanese woman determinedly eating a pork bun in the middle of a raging typhoon is a model citizen https://t.co/JQ5IR4FhQQ
— Julia Macfarlane (@juliamacfarlane) September 28, 2016
Let’s all strive to be more like pork bun lady please.
Between the Klan with wizards and dragons, and the alt-right with anime girls and frogs, white men have ruined my childhood.
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) September 29, 2016
This is the only time ‘MY CHILDHOOD IS RUINED’ is allowed.
I thought I had a crush on somebody but I think I was just ovulating.
— erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) September 27, 2016
Pro tip: always check the day of the month before you take a sex dream seriously.
i like your style, hillary. #debatenight pic.twitter.com/kCBT8zeu29
— Kayla Yandoli (@kaylayandoli) September 27, 2016
Clinton is Knope, Knope is Clinton, they’re both gonna be president.