Is anyone else still hype as hell from the Golden Globes? Pretty sure we’ll be spending the rest of 2018 like…
May all-male director lineups and sexist douche bros be a thing of the past! And if you’re feeling fired up and ready for some female funny, let these hilarious tweets give you what you need.
“Fine” should be Google calendar attending option
— Chris??? (@fontburger) January 8, 2018
People thought having to explain homosexuality to their kids was hard, imagine your kid hears Trump call third world countries “shitholes” and now you gotta teach your kid the complexities of historical government involvement and its economic effects in underdeveloped countries.
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) January 12, 2018
Dude At Bar: “Are your glasses a fashion thing or real?”
Me: *removes glasses and tries to navigate her way to the exit through all the smudgy haze that is life without glasses while yelling-* “IT’S ALL FASHION, BABY!!”
— Carmen Angelica (@Carmesancheeses) January 7, 2018
My 2018 mood board consists solely of the “bitch I’m gonna do it” and “bitch I did it” look on Natalie Portman’s face pic.twitter.com/jXnCi2rpRy
— Clarisse Loughrey (@clarisselou) January 8, 2018
i love talking shit* with my girls**
*about the way i deserve to be treated
— Kerry O’Neill (@iamkerryoneill) January 10, 2018
Eating with my sister. We hear a gasp: “Girl, that is Shonda Rhimes.” Her friend doesn’t look up from her plate:”Fool, that ain’t Shonda Rhimes. What the hell would Shonda Rhimes be doing in Chili’s?” You can take a girl out of the Midwest but don’t come for her baby back ribs.
— shonda rhimes (@shondarhimes) January 5, 2018
It’s funny that in movies if you’re evil, so is your horse
— Mary Sasson (@marysasson) January 7, 2018
How I sleep knowing that the lord has watched everything that men have done to me and they’re all gonna burn in hell pic.twitter.com/jI0cUed3X8
— virgo (@allmenaintshit) January 7, 2018
Them: My goal is to finish two marathons this year.
Me: My goal is to finish putting away the clean laundry the same day that it gets washed.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 10, 2018
Did you ever think that maybe Garfield hates mondays because JON has to go to work?
Yeah, that’s right, Garfield feels love.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) January 8, 2018
Damn boy are you a topical joke because in 10 years I’ll really have to think to remember why I did you
— , like, really (@morninggloria) January 10, 2018
— Gina (@ginadivittorio) January 6, 2018
The news in a nutshell. There, you’re caught up. pic.twitter.com/ayb2fsjXZK
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) January 8, 2018
The best shapewear for feeling ten pounds lighter is wearing the skinsuit of your ex.
— Jenny Yang???? (@jennyyangtv) January 9, 2018
Wanna hang out while I’m doing Whole 30? I can eat 5 whole things and cry 30 different types of tears.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) January 8, 2018
It’s amazing that women have the energy & resilience to participate in society
— dr. dalia ☥? (@DALIAMALEK) January 11, 2018
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
— Spence (@SpenceDen) January 8, 2018
No. LA hasn’t changed me. pic.twitter.com/02ILG18QjY
— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) January 11, 2018
Him: What are you thinking about?
Me: (wishing I could eat some of Cyndi Lauper’s hair to see if it tastes like cotton candy) Oh, just us.
— Dorky Romano (@SuperApple80) January 10, 2018
when a man approaches you at the bar pic.twitter.com/SFkzzUWawX
— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) January 8, 2018