Let’s toast to the weekend with some fresh n’ funny 140 character jokes.
Help me understand the thought process of someone who writes “f*cking” instead of “fucking.”
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 15, 2016
They’re writing for a comedy website and don’t want their editor to get mad?
I look like the humble wife of a Greek man whose kids (Stelios + Demitris) are at home while I have some “me time”. pic.twitter.com/ECKggZ08bq
— Gena-mour Barrett (@SmileGena) July 17, 2016
Please let Greek-core become a thing, please Fashion Gods, pleeeeaaaase.
The US is that one friend who keeps destabilizing regions, providing shit tons of weapons & then backing terrible leaders for economic gain.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) July 20, 2016
Hahaha we all have that one friend, right??!?!?!?!?!?
WAKE UP SHEEPLE THIS ENTIRE ELECTION IS A NEW BANKSY!!!!!!
— Alison Stevenson (@JustAboutGlad) July 20, 2016
My therapist is really good at telling me not to quit stuff and then she quits our session.
— Carmen Lynch (@lynchcarmen) July 20, 2016
You are why I have attachment issues, Debbie!!!
As a transgender woman, I can empathize with online trolls because I, too, have an extremely tiny dick.
— Avery Edison (@aedison) July 20, 2016
This is some NEXT LEVEL SHIT damn girl.
I wanna be so rich that my bed isn’t in the corner of my bedroom
— Paige Weldon (@paigeweldon) July 16, 2016
Oh why don’t we all just buy furniture that isn’t second hand and covered in cat hair while we’re at it, Richy McMillions??
Is cereal soup?
— Katie Notopoulos (@katienotopoulos) July 21, 2016
(7 hours until my next obligation) Ugh wish I had time to work out
— Allegra Ringo (@allegraringo) July 20, 2016
I’m just so so busy. *naps*
Thursday evening haiku 2:
I write dumb haikus
I know that I do them wrong
Cactus look like dicks
— Noël Wells (@RealTomHankz) July 22, 2016
Haiku Hot Take
SOS i would kiss ivanka on the mouth
— jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) July 22, 2016
Lord help you bb.
You know online harassment is the worst when a black woman who thrived for decades in fucking standup clubs says it’s the worst
— Drew (@MostlyPregnant) July 19, 2016
Heyyyyyy Twitter? You gotta be better ok?
“And this is why I am proposing my new ‘Let’s Be Moving Now’ campaign for child un-fatness.” -Melania https://t.co/t8easo5qVa
— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) July 19, 2016
Ok, shut it down, this is the best news joke that will ever be made, bye bye now.