It’s Fri-yayyyy! And is it just us, or was this the longest short week ever??
To celebrate it finally being over, let’s enjoy some tasty tweets together.
what’s the statute of limitations on claiming to your gynecologist that you’re “sexually active?”
— lana like banana (@_lanabelle) September 7, 2016
Probly like 6-8 years?
A SHORT PLAY
Ellen: “have u seen my white pants?”
Portia: “u left em in the other house.”
Ellen: “not those white pants.”
– END SCENE –
— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) September 8, 2016
Truly, Cameron is the Shakespeare of our times.
My “easy to care for” succulents died after five weeks and it’s honestly such a relief.
— Gilli Nissim (@Time2GetGill) September 7, 2016
Caring for anything but yourself is fully exhausting, no shade here.
I was gonna not cancel plans but then I remembered after you cancel plans you don’t have to go and do stuff.
— Ali Spagnola (@alispagnola) September 7, 2016
Seeing friends is neat, but it can’t compare to not seeing friends.
“You’re always on your phone”
You’re always on my nerves so pic.twitter.com/9EdkvaJJwP
— Sept. 23rd (@Princessofwifi) September 8, 2016
Read ’em like a library, girl.
writing a show called ‘the unfuckable kimmy schmidt’ and it’s centered around ellie kemper turning forty and trying to be on television
— jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) September 8, 2016
Is this the greatest feminist pop culture joke of all time? Only time will tell.
i want a new pet. should i adopt:
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) September 8, 2016
ALL OF THEM, ADOPT ALL THE PRECIOUS BABIES.
I just kicked this man’s ass. He had it coming. pic.twitter.com/AcZ0YdSU2H
— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) September 8, 2016
If you’re not following the saga of Megan Koester and Joel Stein, then you’re missing out on one of the funniest stories ever given us by Mama Internet.
MY HUSBAND LEFT ME AND TOOK OUR DOG *sobbing*
O: Um ma’am, that’s REALLY not what’s meant by breakdown lane.
— ÜRSÜLÄ(S) (@3sunzzz) September 7, 2016
This is us. This is all of us.
That must be so nice for you. pic.twitter.com/JsmqLQAccD
— Alana Massey (@AlanaMassey) September 8, 2016
Hey, you ever think about how the leisure to disagree with painful truths is a privilege of the powerful? Anyway, fuck that guy.
The other day I told someone thank you as I held the door open for them and that’s all you ever have to know about me.
— Beth Alexandroff (@bethalexandroff) September 7, 2016
People pleasers, unite!
— Aminatou Sow (@aminatou) September 5, 2016
This child is perfection, we’re so lucky to know her.
This is my friend Ben D. Windyman. pic.twitter.com/Cz1ieISbqz
— Amy Wood (@amy_wood) September 6, 2016
Presenting a joke is so funny we snort-laughed and then were really embarrassed.
Making bad art is just a way to humblebrag that your parents are still together.
— Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) September 7, 2016
You hear that, BROOKLYN???
What the..! Well, which one have I been sleeping with?! https://t.co/ztwqgGMFMV
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) September 8, 2016
This revelation has been painful for all of us, Julieanne.