Online dating sucks. It’s like a never ending phone game where everyone loses and also the final boss is a dickpic. The only way to improve apps like Tinder would be to have Megan Mullally do you swiping for you. Oh that happened? Never mind, online dating is friggin rad and we love it.
They’re here they’re here!! The funniest tweets of the week are here!
Let’s groove on in to the weekend with these funky fresh jokemasters.
But can you really call yourself a writer if you’ve never scattered the pages of your rival’s manuscript over the side of the Queen Mary?
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) April 23, 2017
Nah you can’t.
Great the cinnamon is more confident than I am pic.twitter.com/5eXAZEXcmj
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) April 26, 2017
CLASSIC CINNAMON ugh so full of herself.
a lot of people are saying there’s a new show abt a scarily relevant dystopia for women but i’ve already seen Seventh Heaven so NO THANKS
— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) April 26, 2017
Seriously wtf was wrong with Reverend Camden that dude suuuuuuucked.
— The Dusty Parachute (@dusty_parachute) April 22, 2017
Damn, moms are hard af.
LIFEHACK: be born very wealthy
— Ziwe (@ziwe) April 27, 2017
Pack it up everybody, this is the best tweet of the year.
Why can we put SOUP in a bread BOWL but NOTHING on a bread PLATE? Good point, pizza. Arguably sandwiches. Sure pancakes, but
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) April 26, 2017
Pasta maybe even ok but that’s IT.
maybe she’s barn with it
maybe it’s neighbelline pic.twitter.com/8cmIjkEW5L
— no (@tbhjuststop) April 26, 2017
WE ARE SOBBING how can something so beautiful exist.
Been blasting 90’s hip hop/R&B since I got to hotel. People walking by either think someone done me wrong or someone trying to do me right.
— Cristela Alonzo (@cristela9) April 27, 2017
Like two sexy sides of the same coin.
United CEO: I wish United was the most famous airline in the world pic.twitter.com/cM7f3STqRe
— Jaya Saxena (@jayasax) April 26, 2017
Now this is a Twilight Zone episode we would watch.
I overuse data just to stay in touch w my dad pic.twitter.com/c7LLRdtya6
— Paige Weldon (@paigeweldon) April 24, 2017
Humorous reminder to call your parents, everybody!
Okay, 80s kids, this is our moment. All we have to do is defeat The Nothing, stick the shard back in the crystal & blow up the Death Star.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) April 24, 2017
We GOT this, gang!!
I’m so quirky. I’m always losing bobby pins and my sunglasses and my keys and my will to live on this planet.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) April 26, 2017
Hah ok nah maybe we don’t got this.
When ur crush posts a pic of a hot chick pic.twitter.com/hvfHCqiP92
— Megan Kelly Dunn (@megankcomedy) April 26, 2017
Yes doctor, she has a thousand Instagram followers and everything.
It’s probably bad karma to keep calling karma a bitch.
— Giulia Rozzi (@GiuliaRozzi) April 27, 2017
Karma is a… complex women with strong opinions.
You feeling weird?
Yeah, us too. But in case you’re ready for a lil break, here are some dank tweets to make you giggle and make you think.
Ever get so mad u gotta do yoga
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) January 16, 2017
Gonna do some hip-openers to get this rage out of our woman parts.
Make America Panic Attack
— Sarah Claspell (@claspy) January 20, 2017
Now that’s a hat we could really get behi-ohgodwereallgonnadie
Savor this moment for soon it shall pass pic.twitter.com/26j2Y96JsP
— Alise Morales (@fatlise) January 20, 2017
when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) January 14, 2017
What a fuckin’ champ.
Listening to Obama praise his daughters right now and really appreciating the way he’s able to do that w/o implying he’d like to date them
— Kate Willett (@katewillett) January 18, 2017
Who knew this was a thing we’d learn to appreciate???
Women! Will they EVER get it right? pic.twitter.com/qXzxWBcCg2
— Allegra Ringo (@allegraringo) January 16, 2017
JUST LET US WASH OUR GODDAMN HAIR ALREADY
On the next episode of Young Rabbi…Jacob has to officiate a bar mitzvah…his own!!!
— Alison Stevenson (@JustAboutGlad) January 17, 2017
But the torah portion… is a meme?!?
lmaooo SIKE!!! pic.twitter.com/kPqS1K94L5
— Ellie Sunakawa (@elliesunakawa) January 20, 2017
‘Oh I just left my jacket JK DOOR’S LOCKED NOW LOSER’
goodnight legally unrestricted womb
— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) January 20, 2017
Read this to your kid if you want them to cry all night and also forever.
.@BetsyDeVos quit. you don’t have to pretend anymore. the relief will be overwhelming. go to pottery barn.
— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) January 18, 2017
You can bedazzle wine glasses all day if you want to Betsy, c’mon.
wish I could go outside and eat a clementine the way people go outside for a cigarette
— aub (@aubreybell) January 18, 2017
Go out on the porch with all the cool kids at the party and just peel one.
I need an outfit that seamlessly transitions from daytime to canceled evening plans.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 18, 2017
Literally how is anyone expected to go anywhere ever again.
Why didn’t I die in 2016 when I had the chance
— Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) January 19, 2017
Turns out they were the lucky ones.
Life on the Sunset Strip ain’t easy. Everyone’s hustling for the same background roles, it’s gritty and dirty, there’s 14 girls in corn costumes that look just like you. Stardom ain’t pretty.
This web series is perfection.
“I would fill up a bathtub of blood for you.”
This is officially the most terrifying, hilarious and dare we say adorable love song ever? Comedian/singer Jess Rona is complete perfection, even if we’re horrified at the words she’s singing. But who cares about the words when everything just looks so CUTE, right?!