Another week, another desperate need for some funny jokes. These Twitter geniuses are here to help, so let’s all unwind with some ‘hahas’ and some ‘hmmms’ and some ‘holy hell what is wrong with this world’s.
*goes to make toilet paper joke*
*goes to make Trump-Pence None the Richer joke*
— Ellie Furtado (@elliesunakawa) July 15, 2016
This election is a nightmare for everyone but Twitter comedians. So… thanks?
I look so bad right now that I would be offended if someone recognized me.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) July 15, 2016
Dermatologist: are you currently on any form of birth control?
Me: Yep. The other day I had lunch next to a family with small children.
— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) July 15, 2016
Brb, stopping by a Gymboree to remember why we wrap it up.
I can’t be bothered to put the thingy over the ‘e’ in Pokemon but you bet your ass I’ll always remember to put it on Beyoncé.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) July 15, 2016
Yeah, only one of those things wrote Lemonade.
ME: I couldn’t detest him more
TRUMP: *Picks a VP from Indiana*
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) July 15, 2016
WE DO NOT ENDORSE THIS INDIANA HATE but maybe Mara knows something we don’t?
Apparently adult life is mostly crying about death and looking at menus online
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) July 9, 2016
‘Hmm Yelp emailed me about new restaurants in my area- Oh everything is awful again.’
A fun thing I like to do is when someone compliments me is demand specifics
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) July 11, 2016
Also a good first date strategy.
“Racism is over.”
“Then there must have just been a lot of shitty spin-offs cause I still see all the characters and storylines.”
— Riley Silverman (@ryesilverman) July 8, 2016
The critics hated it, but the Nielsen numbers were through the roof.
“Come on, buddy. How long have we known each other?! It’s me.”
-me to my phone when my thumbprint unlock doesn’t work
— Ali Spagnola (@alispagnola) July 15, 2016
iPhones are the haughty baristas you see every day but of technology.
When I wanna be mad at you but I haven’t had enough sleep pic.twitter.com/HNseAIpRX7
— Alison Stevenson (@JustAboutGlad) July 15, 2016
Shooting for La Croix, landing on RC Cola.
when ur crush keeps up with all ur social media pic.twitter.com/cPksvopTSv
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) July 14, 2016
Likes are foreplay, let’s be real here.
How can one person just be Serena Williams
— Ashley Hamilton (@AshleyHammm) July 9, 2016
She has to be a team of 6 professionals, right? There’s no way that’s just one lady.
“Doctor, this man’s appendix is about to burst!”
“Um all lives matter.”
*doctor removes her own healthy appendix*
— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) July 12, 2016
This is how it should be, Twitter trolls are correct, we give in.
Hillary campaign after Bernie’s speech today. pic.twitter.com/kO02K49SMe
— albertina rizzo (@albz) July 12, 2016
🎶We got the endorsement, we got the endorsement, we got the endorsemeeeeeeeennnnt, yeah!🎶
Excited to play the role of “girlfriend at the time” in all your best stories
— Paige Weldon (@paigeweldon) July 11, 2016
Drunk on the power over all your future wedding toasts.
have you thought about this pic.twitter.com/8TX6EwYfY4
— Zoë Klar (@zoeklar) July 15, 2016
Hmm wow makes u think so interesting
If only we could harness the power of Mick Jagger’s sperm, the world wouldn’t have to rely on fossil fuels
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) July 15, 2016
He’s 72 years old. That’s Ensure and yelling at Fox News age. Damn, boy.
when u can feel yourself constantly annoying everyone in your life but you can’t stop annoying everyone in your life pic.twitter.com/ucXV1SObdd
— farwz (@farwzaz) July 15, 2016
WHY ARE WE LIKE THIS
During a tragedy I often think, “What is the funniest thing that can be said about this?” then I don’t tweet it.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 15, 2016
Sometimes it’s ok to not tweet a hot take. Sometimes you can just feel sad.
I’m really sick of white men who aren’t my dad. Had it up to here.
— Emily Schmidt (@emilyrschmidt) July 7, 2016
Shoutout to all the woke dads. Thank you for teaching us to drive and to care about other people.
— BgGrlPants (@BgGrlPants) July 14, 2016
Giving this a hearty ‘mmmmmm hmm!’