The week is done and Saturday is nigh. Cheers, y’all!
Let’s toast to freedom with these bubbly little glasses of comedy, shall we?
Please fund my kickstarter for a plate that bends time to evenly microwave leftover turkey and potatoes together to the same temperature
— ghost mom (@radtoria) November 25, 2016
Is this the greatest invention of the 21st century? Probly.
I wish just *one* of the headlines about the Starbucks CEO step down had spelled his name wrong.
— Toby Herman (@tobyherman27) December 2, 2016
I doubt people would spend time and money on family Christmas card pictures if they knew exactly what people said when they opened them up.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) December 1, 2016
‘Oh god, THAT’s what their kid looks like??’
I wanna go to a sex party but instead of having sex we play Connect Four.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) December 1, 2016
This is so hot it’s NSFW, honestly.
Why Didn’t That Girl In The Bathroom Smile Back At Me: The @ladybirdj Story
— LADYBIRDJ (@ladybirdj) November 26, 2016
This is the tale for every awkward woman who’s ever tried to pee in public…
If California is in a drought then why’s there so much water in every bag of baby carrots.
— Gilli Nissim (@Time2GetGill) December 1, 2016
Damn, never thought about it like that 😮
Me when postmates shows up. pic.twitter.com/ogGsgI7GGI
— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) December 2, 2016
Us, us, us, us af.
🎵 Every kiss begins with pic.twitter.com/zB69ltCwXs
— Eileen M. O’Connell (@i_Lean) December 1, 2016
Can’t believe it took our species til 2016 to figure this out, damn.
Def not ready to be a wife cause I’m mad my mom isn’t home from shopping to warm up leftovers. Sounds like I’m ready to be a husband tho.
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) November 25, 2016
Don’t we all want to be a selfish 1950’s husband, deep down?
Did you know that if you stare at the sun, you’re also staring at its genitals? That’s why they tell you not to. It’s fuckin rude.
— Semiautomagic Sloth (@iliezabeth) November 30, 2016
We’re never gonna stop laughing at this tweet.
Breitbart News: #DumpKelloggs
— Thistallawkwardgirl (@thistallawkgirl) November 30, 2016
Oh look, the whole year in one tweet!
FACEBOOK FRIEND I HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO IN 4 YEARS:
hey girl! how are you?!
ME: this feels like a trap
HER: lol! have you heard about Beach Body
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) December 2, 2016
Oh also I’d love to talk to you about how you can make extra money from home with Amway!
Dear shitty white dudes,
Black and brown people didn’t take your jobs. They were shipped overseas by other shitty white dudes.
— Not My President (@missmayn) December 1, 2016
Show this tweet to every white man in your life. Do it for us. Kthanks.
My mom’s take on this photo: “Romney looks like he’s just been told ‘No, Secretary of STEAK'” pic.twitter.com/RxNHDMqc69
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) November 30, 2016
Dang, Megan’s mom is on fire.
I don’t need to be rich. I just want to be comfortable enough that I don’t feel guilty throwing away a Ziploc bag after only using it once.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) November 30, 2016
What comes next, ordering a drink with lunch without worrying about how it will impact your budget?!?!
“But yes I’ll have the crab cakes” https://t.co/1cV64eqMkX
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) November 30, 2016
Kween Chrissy, ladies and gentlemen.
Paintings from the famous medieval series, “Actually…” pic.twitter.com/1ZR0Gd0pKQ
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) December 2, 2016
Wow, looks like mansplainers are at least consistent!
That would look great on a hat pic.twitter.com/P2alUAkQTT
— Orli Matlow (@HireMeImFunny) November 27, 2016
So much better than the original version.
When the dictionary needs a hug: pic.twitter.com/wZDGDB5XQb
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) November 29, 2016
U good Merriam? Need to talk?
All pics of couples should be captioned “WE’RE FINE!”
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) November 30, 2016
It’s just like the old saying – ‘the more she snaps, the sooner they snap’.
Ok so the Cryptkeeper was once alive, right? So what the fuck did he look like when he was human?
— Emily V Gordon (@emilyvgordon) November 25, 2016
WHAT THE WHAT why has no one ever considered this before?!?!?
IF U THINK FROG & TOAD ARE JUS FRIENDS
UR NOT PAYIN ATTENTION pic.twitter.com/jczdHCLmhL
— jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) November 28, 2016
Legalize amphibian love!