The Funniest Damn Tweets Of The Week

Ok so the world is 90% garbage. But sometimes to keep going you just gotta take a deep breath, laugh a loud laugh, and watch a corgi shaking its weird butt.

May these tweets make it all seem a little more tolerable, bbs.

where is the gwyneth paltrow remix of “i hit it first” pic.twitter.com/rOJBYEUkED

— #BrittanySpanos (@ohheybrittany) September 20, 2016

On the one hand it’s mean to celebrate the end of a relationship, on the other hand THIS TWEET THO.

“I love Fall!” = “I can gain weight and hide it under layers of clothes!” #FirstDayofFall

— Gennefer Gross (@Gennefer) September 22, 2016

Pumpkin Spice Latte season is also Eat An Entire Medium Pizza Alone season.

Apparently, Tinder isn’t a food delivery service so my apologies to all the guys who showed up wanting to put things in my mouth.

— ? (@Sassafrantz) September 19, 2016

— ? (@Sassafrantz) September 21, 2016

THAT FIRE EMOJI IS FOR REAL.

My inspirational quotes business is booming. Go fund me coming soon. pic.twitter.com/zPL6iGyjPW

— Megan Gailey (@megangailey) September 23, 2016

We’d buy the shit out of this on Etsy.

Man, I thought karaoke was embarrassing, then publicly lip syncing became a thing

— Lauren Lapkus (@laurenlapkus) September 23, 2016

Turns out modern life is just one big cringe.

DESCRIBE YOURSELF IN THREE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS: MAN VS MAN, MAN VS NATURE, MAN VS SELF

— Lindsay Pavlas ? (@LindsayPavlas) September 22, 2016

Congratulations are in order to Ms Pavlas for winning the internet.

just don’t rape anyone.

— How To Not Rape (@howtonotrape) September 20, 2016

Wow @kmay with the helpful advice.

when u fall out with ur best friend pic.twitter.com/K9ibO7tuIH

— jasmine ?☁️? (@jasmineeec) September 23, 2016

What store is this, we need this item badly.

Why does every pepper grinder look like a steampunk penis? pic.twitter.com/kjXQFj7h12

— Amanda (@Manda_like_wine) September 20, 2016

This has us crying. Cryyyiiiiing.

Him: I think you’re pretty.

Me: *flips table* THINK? You don’t KNOW?

Him:

Me: Sorry, dude. I only had 4 hot dogs today.

— Jedi Cheesy Grits (@JediGigi) September 16, 2016

Omg someone please get this poor child 7 more hot dogs stat.

My patronus is one of those pigeons that’s stuck inside the mall.

— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) September 22, 2016

‘Oh don’t mind me, I’ll just be over here DYING IN THIS MALL’

I wonder if any talk show hosts rubbed Hitler’s hair?

— Jena Friedman (@JenaFriedman) September 16, 2016

No but US newspapers did enjoy talking about how calm the traffic was in Nazi Germany, so that’s not great.

“I heard the line he just used on you, we have a booth, come sit with us” pic.twitter.com/4GhiqZZCYz

— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 17, 2016

Lol forever at dudes who think women are ‘catty’, honestly.

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) September 23, 2016

Ah yes, how fine it would be to be in Merrye Oldye Englandeeeee.