You ever go on a hike and notice that every single other woman has a cute puppy and a cute boyfriend and an ‘I’m about to get some’ grin? Well the phenomenally talented Megan Brotherton did, and she wrote a sketch that perfectly captures the experience.
Don’t mind us, we’re just sitting here pondering why Friday afternoons go like 649 times slower than every other day…
While you wait for the weekend to fiiiinally kick off, enjoy these fresh n tasty tweets from funny women!
if you die in the magic school bus, you die in real life
— Anne Lane (@AnnieLLane) September 14, 2016
This is one gritty reboot we would absolutely see.
MOVE OVER, BREXIT https://t.co/R2d0QXqRZL
— jennifer laughran (@literaticat) September 14, 2016
I want to be an emotional support person for a dog because a) dog & b) smart little vest
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 14, 2016
Where oh where is the anxious Frenchie who needs us???
Worried this guy thinks his vanity plate reads as “I sued.” When all I see is “I sharted.” pic.twitter.com/JKqdhMzOOn
— Lauren Reeves (@laurenreeves) September 15, 2016
The tale of DMVs greatest revenge against rich assholes.
My greatest strength is negative self-talk. My greatest weakness is that I’m a stupid loser
— Allegra Ringo (@allegraringo) September 13, 2016
An unexamined life… sounds really restful right about now actually.
When your pizza delivery guy asks ‘This all for you?’ pic.twitter.com/ZkpC0sZk55
— Zelda Williams (@zeldawilliams) September 13, 2016
Scuse you, it’s also for my very real and totally existing boyfriend.
Yeshua: My father has decided my fate is to die and you will make it happen
Judas: YOU NEVER EVEN MET YOUR FATHER FAM! WYD?
— I Will Block Ya Mama (@FeministaJones) September 15, 2016
Seriously this whole series of Jesus/Judas tweets is pure 🔥🔥🔥
Pretty excited for the next time I get to lie down!
— Paige Weldon (@paigeweldon) September 12, 2016
It’s like Christmas for adults!!
Gonna get myself in-n-out for being so patient for my audition. Sometimes u gotta be ur own stage mom
— Connieshin (@thatconnieshin) September 15, 2016
Wow that’s actually kind of beautiful, Connie plz write a self-help book.
700 POINT FONT: HILLARY CLINTON BURPED & A LITTLE THROW UP CAME UP
7 point font: Trump burped and a centipede crawled out his mouth
— Sara Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) September 11, 2016
This joke is DEEPLY upsetting but also 100% accurate.
— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) September 12, 2016
Oh damn, gotta show this tweet to all our ex-boyfriends.
“Girl the concert is over, let’s go” pic.twitter.com/TVfoBBBYWy
— Babs Bunnie (@HollyGoNightly1) September 15, 2016
THE CONCERT IS NEVER OVER IN OUR HEARTS OK??? #flawless
“It says here you like to argue.”
Me: *says nothing*
“Is that true?”
Me: *says nothing*
“What’s your problem?”
Me: Here we go!
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 9, 2016
Don’t be fooled – this is the perfect interview power play.
she is trying to murder the rain pic.twitter.com/lvMOgiqcgR
— grace spelman (@GraceSpelman) September 14, 2016
Woah wait we just realized that cats are trying to non-stop murder everything they like.
The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing you they unfollowed because you spoke hard truths and not because you’re boring.
— A Lunar Massacre (@AlanaMassey) September 14, 2016
But no, by all means, more hot takes on movies from 2005 please.
You Are Going To Fucking Soil Yourself When You Find Out This Is Butter™
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) September 12, 2016
When one door closes and another door opens you should call 911 because someone is breaking into your house.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) September 14, 2016
Oh God nooooooo!!!
— mehera bonner (@meherbear) September 14, 2016
The best thing we can all do for feminism is to start calling him ‘reformed stripper Channing Tatum’ all the time.
It’s Fri-yayyyy! And is it just us, or was this the longest short week ever??
To celebrate it finally being over, let’s enjoy some tasty tweets together.
what’s the statute of limitations on claiming to your gynecologist that you’re “sexually active?”
— lana like banana (@_lanabelle) September 7, 2016
Probly like 6-8 years?
A SHORT PLAY
Ellen: “have u seen my white pants?”
Portia: “u left em in the other house.”
Ellen: “not those white pants.”
– END SCENE –
— Cameron Esposito (@cameronesposito) September 8, 2016
Truly, Cameron is the Shakespeare of our times.
My “easy to care for” succulents died after five weeks and it’s honestly such a relief.
— Gilli Nissim (@Time2GetGill) September 7, 2016
Caring for anything but yourself is fully exhausting, no shade here.
I was gonna not cancel plans but then I remembered after you cancel plans you don’t have to go and do stuff.
— Ali Spagnola (@alispagnola) September 7, 2016
Seeing friends is neat, but it can’t compare to not seeing friends.
“You’re always on your phone”
You’re always on my nerves so pic.twitter.com/9EdkvaJJwP
— Sept. 23rd (@Princessofwifi) September 8, 2016
Read ’em like a library, girl.
writing a show called ‘the unfuckable kimmy schmidt’ and it’s centered around ellie kemper turning forty and trying to be on television
— jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) September 8, 2016
Is this the greatest feminist pop culture joke of all time? Only time will tell.
i want a new pet. should i adopt:
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) September 8, 2016
ALL OF THEM, ADOPT ALL THE PRECIOUS BABIES.
I just kicked this man’s ass. He had it coming. pic.twitter.com/AcZ0YdSU2H
— Megan Beth Koester (@bornferal) September 8, 2016
If you’re not following the saga of Megan Koester and Joel Stein, then you’re missing out on one of the funniest stories ever given us by Mama Internet.
MY HUSBAND LEFT ME AND TOOK OUR DOG *sobbing*
O: Um ma’am, that’s REALLY not what’s meant by breakdown lane.
— ÜRSÜLÄ(S) (@3sunzzz) September 7, 2016
This is us. This is all of us.
That must be so nice for you. pic.twitter.com/JsmqLQAccD
— Alana Massey (@AlanaMassey) September 8, 2016
Hey, you ever think about how the leisure to disagree with painful truths is a privilege of the powerful? Anyway, fuck that guy.
The other day I told someone thank you as I held the door open for them and that’s all you ever have to know about me.
— Beth Alexandroff (@bethalexandroff) September 7, 2016
People pleasers, unite!
— Aminatou Sow (@aminatou) September 5, 2016
This child is perfection, we’re so lucky to know her.
This is my friend Ben D. Windyman. pic.twitter.com/Cz1ieISbqz
— Amy Wood (@amy_wood) September 6, 2016
Presenting a joke is so funny we snort-laughed and then were really embarrassed.
Making bad art is just a way to humblebrag that your parents are still together.
— Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) September 7, 2016
You hear that, BROOKLYN???
What the..! Well, which one have I been sleeping with?! https://t.co/ztwqgGMFMV
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) September 8, 2016
This revelation has been painful for all of us, Julieanne.