The Funniest Tweets Of The Whole Damn Week

Thank! Goop! It’s! Fridaaaayyyyy!

*sheepishly raises hand*
I’ve never seen The Bachelor or The Bachelorette…
*gets thrown off Twitter before fini-

— erin mallory long (@erinmallorylong) August 2, 2016

Begone, sinner! Say 10 Hail JoJo’s and 10 Our Chad’s.

im fucking sobbing? its so small? 9/10 pic.twitter.com/02VdEZyO8g

— We Rate Lizards (@WeRateLizards) August 5, 2016

If you’re not following We Rate Lizards, like, what is your deal even?

I spend tons of money on staying thin yet complain when I have to walk slightly farther to lunch, so yes, women really CAN have it all!

— Gwen (@msgwenl) August 5, 2016

We’ve come a long way, baby! (from our shitty parking spots)

We droppin’ lures at the voting booths right?

— Natasha Rothwell (@natasharothwell) August 2, 2016

Oh thaaats how you get people to vote!

My gynecologist just told me I was “easy” and I said “tell that to my therapist.”

JUST KIDDING I WANTED TO IMPRESS HER SHE IS MY HERO

— Allison Raskin (@AllisonRaskin) August 3, 2016

The things we’ve done to impress a doctor, hoo boy.

“Let he who hasn’t face timed with a cat before throw the first stone.” pic.twitter.com/YghKPSr2Zq

— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) August 3, 2016

I mean how else will he know what a good boy he is while we’re gone???

find a guy who will look at you the way bill clinton looks at a balloon

— Chelsea Frank (@UmFrankly) July 29, 2016

With pure, unbridled lust.

When your name’s not Jonathan but your single mom is doing her best pic.twitter.com/3iVCFPyhlT

— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) August 3, 2016

‘I mean we’re still getting cake, soooooo’

“promise me–”
“what? what is it?”
“promise–”
“promise what?”
“you gotta…catch em…all.” *dies*
“i promise.” pic.twitter.com/LgTKrHv8jU

— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) August 5, 2016

Oops we found the best Arthur meme.

COMEDY JOURNALISM 101
1) He wuz a professional blank, now iz clown?!
2) Turning trauma into hahhahohos
3) She is a her!!! How does she wow!!

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 30, 2016

Y’all just got ROASTED!

Today on “As the Whole Foods Turns”, Karl runs into Lev, who tells him what’s new, which is that he’s having the most successful year ever.

— Erwin Globsin (@gibblertron) August 5, 2016

Unsure if satire, or an actual overheard conversation.

I miss Harambe’s clever quips.

— erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) August 5, 2016

Too soon! (but also too funny ?)

a guy asked me if i liked him & my response was “idk actually i think i might hate you” so be on the look out for wedding invites next week

— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) August 4, 2016

Happy 4 U both.

“COS I’D ALREAAADY KNOOOOOOOOOW!” pic.twitter.com/PMMz64yGsq

— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) August 5, 2016

This kid is… wait for it… EXTREME!

Can you provide adequate cyber security and access to a safe room? https://t.co/3tZ3E4DKt1

— Feisty VonNicety (@dagnificent) August 4, 2016

At this point, every woman who writes publicly on the internet needs a safe room and secure server.

yes thank u clint eastwood WE ARE THE PUSSY GENERATION pic.twitter.com/a4Mm5sA2ms

— Sara Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) August 3, 2016

POWER TO THE PUSSY (GENERATION)

The Funniest Freakin Tweets of The Week

HEADING INTO THE WEEKEND LIKE…

But before we get there, enjoy the very freshest tweets of the week!

Just wrote “I should have broken up with me” instead of “I should have broken up with him.” Who needs therapy when you have Freud wait what?

— erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) June 30, 2016

‘Stella Got Her Groove Back’ but for a woman who dumped herself, get on that Hollywood

I did too much pizza and need the pulp fiction needle to my gut pic.twitter.com/mudUspNMqV

— Li’l Edie Pentland (@JennyPentland) June 27, 2016

Somebody get her a syringe of kale pulp STAT.

Look, iPhone, if you’re gonna autocorrect my expletives to “ducking”, then at least give us a duck emoji to go with it

— Chanelle T (@TheTysonChannel) July 1, 2016

We need, in reverse order: duck, popcorn, women doing sports

Alternatively, if things go a different way, let’s get Hillary some wildfire

— Annie Stamell (@stamos) June 27, 2016

The Mad Prez is a pretty tight rap name, honestly.

Snap chat is dope for when you know someone is only worth looking at for like 8 seconds.

— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) June 29, 2016

Oh thiiiiiis is what Snapchat is for

Suns out guns out. Moons out guns out. This is America, so guns are always out, regardless of celestial order.

— LISA CURRY (@lisa_curry) June 28, 2016

Ragnarok, guns out.

Cersei Cersei Cersei I know you going though it Gurl but these costumes like look like bad purses I mean damn Gina! pic.twitter.com/kx0O0QEtpa

— Leslie Jones (@Lesdoggg) June 27, 2016

Savage. Savage and accurate.

Jesse Williams should apologize for getting us all so hype this late before a Monday. pic.twitter.com/zhwCpoUwjg

— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) June 27, 2016

Finally got woke 10 minutes before we had to go to bed yeesh.

Any bed can be a deathbed if you die in it.

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) June 27, 2016

Hmm makes u think.

Happy Pride!! ❤️????pic.twitter.com/1yy7jH8UiO

— Samira Wiley (@samirawiley) June 26, 2016

COME BACK AND BRING US THAT SHIIIIIIIRT

I may never deactivate a ticking timebomb with seconds to spare, but solving this problem came close. pic.twitter.com/Wq46XQpaSm

— Ariana Lenarsky (@aardvarsk) June 29, 2016

What happened here how did this end we need to know?!?!

Can’t tell if I’m missing something from my life or if it’s just 3pm

— Paige Weldon (@paigeweldon) June 29, 2016

Time for that post-lunch emotional breakdown!

10pm double espresso feels sexual to me

— Ali Segel (@OnlineAlison) June 27, 2016

Medium espresso is better than medium sex, let’s get real here.

I keep a fake diary so that future generations think I cried way less about ordering a lunch that disappointed me

— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) June 28, 2016

Can’t wait for it to be turned to into a book called ‘The Woman Who Never Cried and Was Always Chill’

image via

Weekly Roundup Of The Best Tweets

It’s been a week, y’all. Thank goddess for all the funny women who help us get through. Let’s make each other laugh, huh?

congress gets things done like i do my laundry: don’t do jack shit for six months, start to stink, pull a shameful all nighter

— jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) June 15, 2016

It’s like we always say, literally anyone can end up in Congress.

Being heartbroken is a great way to make your friends really proud of you for completing basic tasks

— Paige Weldon (@paigeweldon) June 12, 2016

I got out of bed today plz validate me now.

my constant state but current state mostly is lin-manuel miranda weeping in carole king’s arms

— #BrittanySpanos (@ohheybrittany) June 13, 2016

How anyone made it through the Tony’s without sobbing like Lin-Manuel is a true mystery.

Ask the Gays sequels:
-Quiz the Blacks
-Canvass the Jews
-Cross-examine the Muslims
-Interrogate the Mexicans
-Query the Women Over 40

— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) June 15, 2016

This is very funny and also makes us very nervous because what if he does?

Can you still be punk if you’re mad at someone for getting your bath mat dirty?

— Alison Stevenson (@JustAboutGlad) June 12, 2016

Punk is a state of mind. (But also, no).

what are you doing tom no pls no think this through pls tom tom can you hear me blink once for yes tom blink twice if you need help tom pls

— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) June 15, 2016

Where were you when you found out about Swiddles Beachgate?

brain *whispering*: hey
me: stop i’m trying to sleep
brain: you ever think maybe girls with straight hair are happier than you

— Julia Fay (@JuliaFayZim) June 10, 2016

This but also with girls with thick eyebrows.

It’s cute flowers tuck themselves in at night

— Mary Sasson (@marysasson) June 12, 2016

CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS ??????

Chlamydia is way too sexy a name for what’s only kind of a sexy thing.

— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) June 15, 2016

Of the venereal diseases, which is your fave? We like scabies.

Yoda advising Anakin about the pull of the dark side except it’s me warning you about the temptation to be a fuck boy.

— Liz (@ibikeinheels) June 15, 2016

Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hatred. Hatred leads to ghosting.

me: body positivity is so important, you are all beautiful, never call yourself ugly
also me to myself: except you

— farwz (@farwzaz) June 15, 2016

‘You go girl, you’re a queen, such a babe, don’t need a man, so gorg’ (ugh I’m garbage) – us

oops I forgot to take my vitamin every day for the rest of my life except maybe like 8 of the days

— Paige (@PeachCoffin) June 13, 2016

~bolts over to medicine cabinet in a panic~

takin a break to eat a fresh coconut!

— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) June 13, 2016

Wow is this what it’s like to be famous??? Another reason to be more like Peretti.

The phrase “inside baseball” is the only thing I know about baseball.

— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) June 15, 2016

Also when you get to first base you have to kiss.

tinder, but it’s just people offering their earnest opinion on whether or not you should get bangs

— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) June 15, 2016

Let’s be real it would be all left swipes.

Who’s already blogging about how Margaery is hilldawg and the High Sparrow is bern

— Drew (@MostlyPregnant) June 13, 2016

The High Sparrow is also Larry David, in case anyone was wondering.

Weekly Roundup Of The Funniest F*cking Tweets

Felicity Huffman's What the Flicka-Michelle Obama

Happy Friday KWEENS. What better way than to embrace the weekend than with your weekly dose of the funniest f*cking tweets? Leggo!

I won’t neglect the balls…so yeah, I guess you can say I’m good at sports.

— bubble girl (@JessObsess) August 22, 2013

*Blush-y face emoji*

i did a bad thing. https://t.co/hpKDwhvmZJ

— Ellie Sunakawa (@elliesunakawa) January 7, 2016

THIS IS THE GREATEST THING WE HAVE EVER SEEN.

I made a bunch of really awful Guy Fieri valentines here’s a sneak peek: pic.twitter.com/w45Rjg0i1g — Ellie Sunakawa (@elliesunakawa) February 12, 2016

Again, REPEAT: This is the greatest thing we have ever seen.

Walked by a construction site and told them to show me their tits. I’m the captain now. — Mel Gabor (@melgabored) February 12, 2016

Amen.

have you ever eaten a salad and not thought like this is gross — Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) February 12, 2016

Does every time we eat a salad count?

Me: I don’t really like to cook

Harry styles: i love it when a woman can cook

Me:
https://t.co/2mvqrJd6b2

— Christina (@christinaconcep) February 10, 2016

YAAAS!

my daddy from kentucky mama also kentucky you mix em both and you basically just get more kentucky, idk — Tracy Clayton (@brokeymcpoverty) February 12, 2016

That was Beyoncé’s first draft, obviously.

My kindergarten report card read “Plays well with others (whom she deems worthy of her time. This varies day to day. No one is safe.)” — erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) February 12, 2016

Accurate to most of us.

43% of scrolling through Instagram is rolling your eyes and muttering under your breath. — Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti) February 12, 2016

YEP. And also wondering, “Who takes these candid, flattering pictures of you as if you don’t know, but somehow post to your own instagram?!”

TBH anyone who got through watching The Revenant deserves an Oscar for The Revenant.

— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) February 12, 2016

OH, you wanted me to wear lingerie? I thought you said linguine… *slurps noodle off of arm* — Lacey Nycole (@LaceyNycole) February 12, 2016

Linguine > lingerie. Always.

Is there a polite way to say “I’d date you, but you totally look like my brother”? Like maybe on a cake — Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) February 11, 2016

Ahhhh, the age-old issue of sexually avoiding anyone who looks like a relative.

*lights dim in restaurant* DATE: did it just become sexier in here? ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU — batkaren (@batkaren) January 12, 2015

RT this ALL DAY.

I’m never sadder than when I see my reflection on screen while looking at pictures of cake online.

— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) February 12, 2016

It’s fine – we’re fine, really. It’s fine.

When I fix my work computer without IT support. pic.twitter.com/AM5zHvZg6V — Josh (@J_Manasa) February 11, 2016

A realistic pregnancy test commercial where the result is positive and the couple is really upset because they never wanted children. — OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) February 12, 2016

Seriously.

Tinder but for dudes who want to carry your groceries. — Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) February 12, 2016

This would be a dream.

I don’t feel like I’ve reflected enough upon my day until I can think of five reasons why every single choice I made was the worst — Anne Lane (@AnnieLLane) February 12, 2016

Too real.

There’s no ceiling for how excited you’re allowed to get when you remember you have cheese in the fridge — Jessica Gonzales (@jessjessgo) February 12, 2016

Cheese good. Me love cheese. Cheese forever.

I didn’t watch the #DemDebate because if I wanted to listen to people who don’t make sense I’d just talk to my kids. — Anna Lane (@theannalane) February 12, 2016

Preach, girl.

Featured image via.