It’s FriYAYYYYYYYY!

Let’s toast to the weekend with some fresh n’ funny 140 character jokes.

Help me understand the thought process of someone who writes “f*cking” instead of “fucking.”

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 15, 2016

They’re writing for a comedy website and don’t want their editor to get mad?

I look like the humble wife of a Greek man whose kids (Stelios + Demitris) are at home while I have some “me time”. pic.twitter.com/ECKggZ08bq

— Gena-mour Barrett (@SmileGena) July 17, 2016

Please let Greek-core become a thing, please Fashion Gods, pleeeeaaaase.

The US is that one friend who keeps destabilizing regions, providing shit tons of weapons & then backing terrible leaders for economic gain.

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) July 20, 2016

Hahaha we all have that one friend, right??!?!?!?!?!?

WAKE UP SHEEPLE THIS ENTIRE ELECTION IS A NEW BANKSY!!!!!!

— Alison Stevenson (@JustAboutGlad) July 20, 2016

~Wishful thinking~

My therapist is really good at telling me not to quit stuff and then she quits our session.

— Carmen Lynch (@lynchcarmen) July 20, 2016

You are why I have attachment issues, Debbie!!!

As a transgender woman, I can empathize with online trolls because I, too, have an extremely tiny dick.

— Avery Edison (@aedison) July 20, 2016

This is some NEXT LEVEL SHIT damn girl.

I wanna be so rich that my bed isn’t in the corner of my bedroom

— Paige Weldon (@paigeweldon) July 16, 2016

Oh why don’t we all just buy furniture that isn’t second hand and covered in cat hair while we’re at it, Richy McMillions??

Is cereal soup?

— Katie Notopoulos (@katienotopoulos) July 21, 2016

No. NO!

(7 hours until my next obligation) Ugh wish I had time to work out

— Allegra Ringo (@allegraringo) July 20, 2016

I’m just so so busy. *naps*

Thursday evening haiku 2:

I write dumb haikus
I know that I do them wrong
Cactus look like dicks

— Noël Wells (@RealTomHankz) July 22, 2016

Haiku Hot Take

SOS i would kiss ivanka on the mouth

— jamie loftus (@hamburgerphone) July 22, 2016

Lord help you bb.

You know online harassment is the worst when a black woman who thrived for decades in fucking standup clubs says it’s the worst

— Drew (@MostlyPregnant) July 19, 2016

Heyyyyyy Twitter? You gotta be better ok?

“And this is why I am proposing my new ‘Let’s Be Moving Now’ campaign for child un-fatness.” -Melania https://t.co/t8easo5qVa

— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) July 19, 2016

Ok, shut it down, this is the best news joke that will ever be made, bye bye now.