We’ve had our ups, and we’ve had our downs, and we’ve had our roller coaster loop de loops.
But it’s finally Friday, and you know what that means! It’s time for TWEETS, honey.
i named my boobs tegan and sara because they’re small, lovely and overall underrated.
— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) April 20, 2017
And they really love each other!
How did it know? pic.twitter.com/BI99biwwze
— Margaret Cho (@margaretcho) April 17, 2017
The cards know all…
I don’t need a period tracker. I just start buying tampons two days after those helpful honda commercials start making me cry each month
— stephanie ritter (@stephanieritter) April 20, 2017
THEY’RE JUST SO HELPFUL 😥😫😿
— Marcie Bianco (@MarcieBianco) April 21, 2017
Makes u think…
How many iPhones will Chaffetz’s legal bills cost as he defends himself against whatever he is fleeing office for?
— roxane gay (@rgay) April 20, 2017
How irresponsible, maybe he should have waited to buy that ‘iPhone he loves’.
Anytime I see a truck with big wheels I say, “Slow down cowboy; I can only cum so much!”
— Allie Goertz (@AllieGoertz) April 18, 2017
‘Now THAT’S a guy who can make a woman climax!’ is what we scream at all loud motorcycles, too.
the joke continues to be on all of us pic.twitter.com/jWsPqfr0YA
— Ziwe (@ziwe) April 20, 2017
We’ve seen a lot of hot takes on this photo but yeah. This is the best one.
Did you see the Bunny with Trump at the White House Easter Egg Roll yesterday? Why’d he look so freaked out? He’s white!
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) April 18, 2017
Daaaaaamn Bette with the burns!
187 weeks back on ur crush’s instagram & u accidentally double tap a selfie pic.twitter.com/zHdczGauO1
— stephanie ritter (@stephanieritter) April 17, 2017
Highly accurate photo of us.
The worst part about men is that they all like each other
— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) April 21, 2017
Every time we come back to this joke it gets better and better.
Honey don’t we all pic.twitter.com/9RujGl6f6a
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) April 17, 2017
I want to do a Mexican reboot of “Murder, She Wrote” and call it “Esta Vieja Es MUY Metiche.”
— Cristela Alonzo (@cristela9) April 15, 2017
We would binge this show in 24 hours and then watch it again.
In the memo line on the check I’m writing to the IRS, I’m going to put, “Good for One Trump Golf Ball MAGA.”
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) April 15, 2017
Tax season, very sad. We have golf balls all over the place, the best golf balls, you’ve never seen balls like these.
I will be voting Lib Dem in the upcoming election in an attempt to oust my current MP, Draco Malfoy’s squib cousin who’s a racist accountant pic.twitter.com/2a1i7kKK7o
— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) April 18, 2017
Meanwhile in England…
I just used a toilet that self flushed on me 3 times before I was finished, and I realized, “this is what it feels like to be mansplained.”
— Grace Parra (@GraceParra360) April 20, 2017
JUST LET US POOP IN PEACE damn.
It is so unfair that I just learned to love myself before WWIII
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) April 14, 2017
You know what? I actually do deserve love, and –